10 Strategies to Help Solve Your Marriage Problems

Travis atkinson.

September 17, 2021

Table of Contents

All relationships and marriages go through periods when they face problems. The secret to a healthy and growing relationship is your ability to overcome these problems. The moment you turn your back on your relationship when you encounter marital issues, it will quickly fall into despair. Solving marriage problems will not only make your relationship healthier, but also more resilient.

10 Top Strategies for Solving Marital Problems

All couples have problems, but not every couple is able to work through them. These are the top strategies to solve your marriage problems, no matter what it is that is causing the troubles.

1. Communicate, communicate, communicate

Communication is the secret to a lasting relationship. All healthy and happy marriages keep their communication lines open.

If you are trying to solve your marital problems, you should not stop communicating with your spouse. Openly discuss the issues you are having so that you can come up with a resolution together. If you just sweep it under a rug, it will only develop into something more serious in the long run. 

strategies to help solve your marriage problems

2. Recognize when you’re in a gridlock

One of the most common hurdles to solving marriage problems is when you and your partner don’t see eye to eye when it comes to your marital issues. One spouse is willing to discuss the problem and the other doesn’t find it a big deal. 

When you’ve reached an impasse, it’s important to take a break. Forcing your opinion on things won’t change the situation. By taking a break, you allow time for each of you to put things in perspective.

3. Express yourself constructively 

When you are in an argument with your spouse, it is easy to let your emotions take over. You could end up saying hurtful things that only worsen the problem instead of fixing them. Try to avoid this route whenever possible. 

When discussing your marital problems, focus on being constructive. It is also important to stay on-topic and not to bring up previous issues. 

4. Break the curse of familiarity

Married couples that have been together for a long time have this false belief that they know each other deeply. However, this can often be the root of the problem in a relationship. 

Never stop asking questions or attempting to get to know your partner. This will help you understand their needs better and help avoid conflict, or understand their perspective when it comes to discussing issues within your marriage. 

There will be less conflict in your relationship if you know where your partner is coming from.

5. Make decisions together

When you are solving marriage problems, you need to approach them together and decide on the best solution as a couple. One spouse cannot be authoritarian and make decisions for the both of you. In fact, this is something that causes marriage problems in the first place. 

By making decisions together, you can both be at ease knowing that you’ve considered your partner’s feelings and concerns. Avoid the urge to insist on what you want or doing things your way. Keep an open mind and encourage your spouse to voice their opinion.

If things start to get heated between you in an argument, think of ways to deescalate the conflict and try to keep things light.

6. Acknowledge your spouse’s feelings

Have you ever experienced opening up about your feelings and then having those feelings shut down or dismissed? It’s not a good feeling. It makes you feel undervalued and unnoticed. 

You don’t want your spouse to feel this way. If you are trying to resolve conflict within your marriage, you need to encourage one another. Give your spouse a chance to speak up and make their feelings known. Even if you don’t agree with them, don’t dismiss their feelings. Instead, try to put yourself in their shoes and understand why they feel that way. Look at what you can do to address those feelings. That is what couples in healthy marriages do. 

how to solve marriage problems

7. Understand that it’s not a competition

It is not uncommon for spouses to feel the need to ‘win’ an argument. It feeds their ego and makes them feel good about themselves when they prove their spouse wrong about certain things. 

You should not solve your marital problems with this kind of attitude. Often, if you win an argument, your relationship loses. This should not be about who wins or loses; focus on fixing issues in your marriage so you can both be happy and healthy. 

8. Keep a positive attitude

This might sound like an obvious tip but most couples who are fighting find it difficult to stay positive. Successful couples are the ones that can maintain a positive perspective throughout their relationship even when dealing with marital issues. 

The fact that you and your partner are taking steps to address your problems is a good sign. This should inspire you to stay positive about the future of your relationship. Hold on to that positivity and find ways to save your relationship, especially if you both agree that it’s worth saving. 

9. Give your partner space

Most spouses are so desperate to resolve issues within their marriage that they end up smothering their other half. However, taking this approach when you are dealing with marriage problems will only make things worse.

Give your spouse the space to think and reflect. It will also give you the opportunity to look at things from their perspective. When you give each other space, you don’t act based on emotions but rather on logic and reasoning. 

solving marriage problems

10. Get counseling.

Counseling is a great way to solve marriage problems. It will involve a few sessions only, and is a great way to address issues within your relationship on a neutral ground. You can also get the guidance of an expert so you can work out the cause of the problem. 

The secret to success with counseling is to follow through with the plan. Any consultation you’ve done with a therapist will be of no use if you have no accountability and don’t follow through with it. It is important that both spouses take accountability for fixing their marital problems. 

If you think counseling is expensive, it’s definitely cheaper than divorce! Plus, if you are serious about solving marriage problems, this is one of the best ways to go about it. 

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12 Strategies to Cope with Common Marriage Problems

Last Updated: January 20, 2024 Fact Checked

This article was written by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC and by wikiHow staff writer, Hannah Madden . Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF). There are 15 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources. This article has been viewed 28,405 times.

When you’re dealing with problems in your marriage, it can sometimes feel like you’re all alone. Fortunately, there are many ways you can communicate with your spouse and come up with solutions to solve your problems together. We’ve compiled a list of ways you can cope with your marriage problems to talk with your partner and work toward fixing your relationship, one step at a time. This article is based on an interview with our licensed marriage and family therapist, Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Check out the full interview here.

Communicate about issues in your relationship.

Open communication is the key to any healthy relationship.

  • You can bring up issues in the relationship by saying something like, “Hey honey, could we sit down and talk later this evening? I have a few things I’d like to chat with you about, just to make sure we’re on the same page.”

Focus on one issue at a time.

Bringing up all your problems at once can feel overwhelming.

  • For example, if you want to talk about your intimacy (or lack thereof) but also about your stress levels, pick one and save the other for a different time.

Try to understand your partner’s perspective.

Listen closely, and try not to interrupt.

  • Show that you’re listening to your partner by asking follow-up questions like, “Interesting. Can you tell me more?” or, “I’m not sure I understand. Could you explain that again?”

Come up with solutions together.

The goal is to reach a decision that benefits both of you.

  • For instance, if the issue is that you feel you do more chores around the house than your spouse does, you might create a chore list that you both work on throughout the week. That way, you can both see how many chores the two of you are doing, and you both feel like you’re equally contributing to the household.

Accept the things you can’t change about your partner.

There may be recurring issues that crop up over time.

  • For example, maybe you like to clean up the house at the end of each day, while your partner prefers to do a big cleanup at the end of the week. You two might discuss this a lot over your relationship, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing—it’s just a difference in preferences.

Forgive your partner if you can.

Hanging onto anger and resentment isn’t great for your marriage.

  • Remember that forgiveness isn’t telling your partner that their actions are okay—it’s allowing yourself to move on instead of hanging onto old feelings.

Divide household tasks.

Division of labor is a huge point of contention in most relationships.

  • It might help to make a list of what the both of you do day by day. That way, you can see how many tasks each of you are doing throughout the week.

Talk about your parenting styles.

How you raise your children is very important to talk about ahead of time.

  • You could say something like, “I think it’s important that we talk about how we’ll raise our child. Do you want to discuss some things with me?”

Show love to your partner every day.

Express your appreciation for your partner whenever you can.

  • It helps if you know your partner’s love language . For instance, if their love language is physical touch, they might appreciate a shoulder rub or a massage. Or, if their love language is acts of service, you might do some chores around the house.

Make romance part of your daily life.

Act like you’re dating your spouse again to bring the spark back.

  • Have breakfast in bed together
  • Surprise your partner with small gifts
  • Plan a weekend getaway trip
  • Give your partner compliments
  • Have a candlelit dinner at home

Remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities.

It can be easy to focus on the negatives in your relationship.

  • If it helps, you could even make a physical list on paper to look at every time you need a pick-me-up. For instance, your list might say: makes me breakfast on Sundays, is a great parent, is very patient with the kids, is an awesome cook.

Work on yourself.

Examine your own contributions to any issues in the relationship.

  • For instance, if you and your spouse often fight when you have to stay late at work, you may be dedicating too much time to your job and not enough time for your spouse. You could work on that by reevaluating your schedule and prioritizing quality time with your partner.

Commit 100% to your spouse.

Make sure you’re fully invested in making your marriage work.

  • It’s not uncommon to start looking for a “way out” of the marriage when things get tough. Keep in mind, though, that almost all long-term relationships go through rough patches at one point or another, and most of them make it through to the other side.

Focus on other things that make you happy.

If you can’t find happiness in your marriage right now, find it in your hobbies or friends.

  • You can also focus on self-care and do things that don’t take much time at all. Spend 10 to 15 minutes soaking in a bubble bath, reading a good book, taking a walk, or listening to music.

Go to couple’s counseling if you need to.

Some marriage problems are hard to fix on your own.

  • A couple’s counselor can also give you real, concrete tips to help you work through your specific problems as a couple.

How Do You Save Your Marriage?

Expert Q&A

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Separate from Spouse While Living Together

  • ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.
  • ↑ Jin S. Kim, MA. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 14 May 2019.
  • ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
  • ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
  • ↑ Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C. Licensed Certified Social Worker – Clinical. Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.
  • ↑ https://smartcouples.ifas.ufl.edu/media/smartcouplesifasufledu/docs/pdfs/10-Rules-for-Constructive-Conflict.pdf
  • ↑ https://newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/Keys-to-Happier-Marriage-Include-652
  • ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/images/uploads/Fincham-Forgiveness_in_Marriage_and_Future_Directions.pdf
  • ↑ https://www.npr.org/2022/09/16/1123560719/splitting-chores-partner-roommate
  • ↑ https://www.parentingcounts.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/11/information-for-parents-parenting-styles.pdf
  • ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/10_pillars_of_a_strong_relationship
  • ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/stop-playing-the-blame-game-take-responsibility-in-your-relationship/
  • ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/when_are_you_sacrificing_too_much_in_your_relationship
  • ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-survive-in-an-unhappy-marriage-and-thrive#survival-tips
  • ↑ https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/could-your-marriage-benefit-from-counseling

About This Article

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

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10 Ways to Strengthen a Marriage and Avoid Divorce

Getting help for your marriage now can make your relationship last

Wayne's background in life coaching along with his work helping organizations to build family-friendly policies, gives him a unique perspective on fathering.

Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.

how to solve marriage problems

Commit to Your Relationship

Forgive quickly, honor and respect your partner, communicate regularly, share financial expectations, give each other space, work on wellness, have date nights.

  • Don't Try to Control Your Partner

Marriage takes work, and it isn't always easy. It takes effort to protect, nurture, and grow a marriage. Between work schedules, children, and other obligations, sometimes it can seem impossible to maintain that partnership.

When problems arise, some couples find it healthier to divorce and go their separate ways. For others, it's a better choice to work on the relationship.

At a Glance

If you need help for your marriage and want to build a healthier relationship that can withstand the test of time, there are proactive measures you can take to make your marriage stronger. Commitment, forgiveness, respect, communication, and understanding are vital. From improving communication to infusing more romance into day-to-day life, here are ten ways to improve your partnership.

When times get tough, it isn't uncommon for people to start thinking that the grass might be greener on the other side. However, toying with the idea that you might be better off outside of your marriage can put a major strain on your relationship—even if you never voice those thoughts.

Ruminating about what your life might be like outside of your marriage can make it harder to commit to your relationship. It can also leave you feeling less motivated to try to improve your marriage.

To combat the risk to your relationship, decide ahead of time that divorce is not an option . Making the commitment will help you focus on making your partnership stronger rather than thinking about what life might be like outside your marriage.

Marriages often begin to fall apart when one person is holding a grudge. Research has shown that feeling contempt toward your partner almost always festers and can lead to divorce if it's never resolved.

"Forgiving is one of the most important and also one of the most difficult things for couples to do," says Aura De Los Santos , a clinical and educational psychologist at NCHC.

Aura De Los Santos, clinical and educational psychologist

When couples forgive each other, they can move forward because forgiveness is a window that allows them to look to the future and not get stuck in the situations that caused them pain.

Try to forgive your partner as quickly as possible. Remember that forgiveness is just as much a gift you give yourself. Holding a grudge takes up mental and emotional space and almost always impacts your health and stress levels.

Be Willing to Apologize

If you have wronged your partner, sincerely apologize and ask for their forgiveness. Listen to what they have to say and try to understand why they are upset. Let them know you will work on how to do things differently in the future.

People inevitably change over time. Understanding, appreciating, and adapting to those changes is critical for any relationship. Start by making a list of your partner's best qualities to remind yourself of the wonderful person you married. This exercise will help you remember why you fell in love with them in the first place.

It also helps to vocalize how much you appreciate your partner's quirks and eccentricities. ï»ż ï»ż

Let your partner know every day—through compliments or thank-yous—that you appreciate all that they do.

These little expressions are like deposits in the bank. You don't want to make withdrawals from your marriage without ever making any deposits. So, be sure you are doing things that honor your partner for who they are.

In the age of smartphones, Netflix, and work-from-home lifestyles, it's easy to get distracted. You might find that you often go days without having a real conversation with your spouse.

Constant communication allows couples to express their feelings and not hold grudges. Many times, grudges originate because one of the parties feels that their partner does not listen to them and minimizes their feelings.

Communicating openly about your life, interests, dreams, frustrations, and feelings is an important way to foster intimacy in a relationship.

It's also crucial that you also listen to your partner voice their thoughts. It can be helpful to set aside 30 minutes each day—free from interruptions or distractions—where you can talk.

Many marriages are fraught with disagreements over finances . Couples often bring different expectations about money to a relationship. Each partner can find it difficult to see the financial situation from the other person's perspective.

Agreeing about how your money will be handled is a critical component of a successful marriage. Agree on a budget, an approach to debt, and make a plan to live within your limits.

It's also important to differentiate between needs and wants. While both are legitimate, couples can face problems if they try to fulfill all their wants without considering their budget.

Incorporate some flexibility in your budget to allow for entertainment, gifts, vacations, and other activities that will strengthen your marriage.

One of the hardest things to balance in a marriage is the right amount of time to spend together. Too much can feel like smothering, while too little can be interpreted as inattentive.

When your partner needs space or a night out with friends, offer to watch the kids or run errands to ensure they can get that time. On the other hand, you also want to make time to spend with your partner. If babysitting issues or financial constraints make that difficult, plan a fun, cost-effective date night at home.

The key is that you both make a concerted effort to spend quality time together while allowing each other the space to have an outside community.

It's easy to get into a routine of being overly casual, especially if you've been with your partner for many years. An easy way to rekindle romance is to think back to those early days of dating—preparing for date night with an at-home manicure, getting a fresh shave and haircut, or choosing a fun outfit.

There are plenty of ways to feel attractive and energized. Keeping up with your physical fitness boosts your confidence and sense of well-being.

This can also double as a way to spend time with your partner— whether you're trying a new workout class, training for a 5K, or prepping healthy meals together.

Another way to keep the flame burning in a marriage is to continue courting your spouse. Make time for a date night every week—even to get ice cream or cook a new recipe together.

De Los Santos says that quality time together is essential. "Quality time means taking time for the couple to go out and share. This helps to combat monotony, allows people to get to know each other better, and enjoy more as a couple," she explains.

If money is a concern , consider trading babysitting with another couple looking to have a date night. You can also just put the baby in a stroller, walk around the mall, or visit the local park.

Continue doing the things you did when you were dating. Small, thoughtful gestures can help couples feel like newlyweds . Try leaving your partner little love notes where they will find them, make them coffee in the morning, or buy their favorite snack at the grocery store.

Don't Try to Control Your Partner 

In healthy marriages, both partners have mutual respect for one another and don't demand their own way. This can mean different things to different couples, but here are some core tenants to keep in mind:

  • Don't try to monitor or control each other
  • Give your partner room to be the person they are
  • Learn to collaborate on big decisions (such as spending money and raising children)
  • Let your spouse have the freedom to come and go without having to ask your permission

Partners who attempt to control one another risk becoming emotionally abusive . They might display signs of financial abuse —which frequently leads to divorce .

If you're still having challenges in your marriage or fear that divorce might be imminent, consider counseling or couples therapy . This can be a helpful way to work through problems you might have and develop new skills that will strengthen your marriage.

"Seeing a psychologist can help them resolve conflicts effectively, get to know each other better, and set new goals as a married couple," De Los Santos says.

If you aren't sure where to look, ask your primary care provider for a referral to a qualified professional in your area.

You can also check with your workplace. See if you (or your partner) have access to an employee assistance program (EAP), which can often direct you to initial help or provide a referral.

You can also use the therapist locator offered by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) to look for a qualified professional in your area. 

If you and your partner share faith, your might also consider meeting with a trusted religious leader.

Get Help Now

We've tried, tested, and written unbiased reviews of the best online therapy programs including Talkspace, BetterHelp, and ReGain. Find out which option is the best for you.

Navigating issues in a marriage can be challenging. To persevere in the relationship and prevent divorce, both partners need to commit to doing the work and putting in time and effort. While the goal is to save the relationship, you will ultimately have to decide if staying together is the right choice for both of you.

If you and your partner need more help, consider working with a marriage counselor or a religious leader if you share the same faith. These individuals can help you get a new perspective and can point you toward additional services if needed.

Scott SB, Rhoades GK, Stanley SM, Allen ES, Markman HJ. Reasons for divorce and recollections of premarital intervention: Implications for improving relationship education .  Couple Family Psychol . 2013;2(2):131-145. doi:10.1037/a0032025

Nemati M, Behmanesh F, Kheirkhah F, Geraili Z, Pasha H. Marital commitment and mental health in different patterns of mate selection: A comparison of modern, mixed, and traditional patterns .  Iran J Psychiatry . 2022;17(4):418-427. doi:10.18502/ijps.v17i4.10691

Schriber RA, Chung JM, Sorensen KS, Robins RW. Dispositional contempt: A first look at the contemptuous person . J Pers Soc Psychol . 2017;113(2):280-309. doi:10.1037/pspp0000101

Lichtenfeld S, Maier MA, Buechner VL, FernĂĄndez capo M. The influence of decisional and emotional forgiveness on attributions . Front Psychol . 2019;10:1425. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.01425

Bloch L, Haase CM, Levenson RW. Emotion regulation predicts marital satisfaction: more than a wives' tale . Emotion . 2014;14(1):130-44. doi:10.1037/a0034272

Lavner JA, Karney BR, Bradbury TN. Does couples' communication predict marital satisfaction, or does marital satisfaction predict communication ? J Marriage Fam . 2016;78(3):680-694. doi:10.1111/jomf.12301

Ryu S, Fan L. The relationship between financial worries and psychological distress among U.S. adults .  J Fam Econ Issues . 2023;44(1):16-33. doi:10.1007/s10834-022-09820-9

Lampis J, Cataudella S, Agus M, Busonera A, Skowron EA. Differentiation of self and dyadic adjustment in couple relationships: A dyadic analysis using the actor-partner interdependence model .  Fam Process . 2019;58(3):698-715. doi:10.1111/famp.12370

Zamani sani SH, Fathirezaie Z, Brand S, et al. Physical activity and self-esteem: testing direct and indirect relationships associated with psychological and physical mechanisms . Neuropsychiatr Dis Treat . 2016;12:2617-2625. doi:10.2147/NDT.S116811

Flood SM, Genadek KR. Time for each other: Work and family constraints among couples . J Marriage Fam . 2016;78(1):142-164. doi:10.1111/jomf.12255

Hewison D, Casey P, Mwamba N. The effectiveness of couple therapy: Clinical outcomes in a naturalistic United Kingdom setting .  Psychotherapy (Chic) . 2016;53(4):377-387. doi:10.1037/pst0000098

By Wayne Parker Wayne's background in life coaching along with his work helping organizations to build family-friendly policies, gives him a unique perspective on fathering.  

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30 Common Relationship Problems and Solutions

Jeannie Sytsma, AMFT, works for Relationship Reality 312 in downtown Chicago. At this highly-respected private practice she works mainly with couples who are experiencing... Read More

Sylvia Smith shares insights on love revitalization and conscious living. She believes purposeful actions can transform relationships into happier, healthier ones.

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In This Article

Even the best of relationships run into problems sometimes. You’re both tired from work, or the kids are in trouble at school, or your in-laws are getting on your last nerve…you know how it goes.

Life throws all kinds of challenges at a relationship, from relocation to redundancy to illness. No wonder problems arise in even the strongest relationships.

To keep a relationship running smoothly, it is important to solve marriage problems before they snowball into bigger relationship problems.

When do relationships start to have common relationship problems?

For some, however, that phase of love eventually fades. As time passes and both parties of the relationship make their fair share of mistakes, what was once intoxicating becomes intolerable.

Much of the common relationship issues that couples face are minor and can easily be avoided with mutual effort, understanding and respect. Although bumps along the path of marriage are unavoidable, if you are aware of them beforehand, you will be able to overcome them without leading your relationship to the verge of collapse.

None of us are perfect, nor will we exactly be the same on every level.

Some character flaws, on the other hand, will be natural and acceptable. But if there are behaviors, perhaps a little lie here or an indiscretion there, it’s essential to consider that on a grander scale as the relationship progresses.

Is that an ongoing problem you want to work through continually, or does that constitute a deal-breaker? Something to consider.

10 causes of common relationship issues

What can destroy a relationship ? Many of the problems couples come to me for, seem to stem from issues that either cause or intensify their problems. But once couples learn how to address these two issues, everything else seems to start falling into place also.

Check out these causes of common relationship issues or issues behind relationship problems before understanding ways to solve common relationship problems:

Expectations

One of the fastest ways to create unhappiness and instability in a relationship is through disappointment. And very few things create disappointment as quickly as unmet expectations.

But, there are typically two common relationship problems with expectations in a relationship:

  • unrealistic expectations
  • unclear expectations

Oftentimes, couples struggle to meet each other’s expectations because they are simply unrealistic. It’s important to understand that our expectations often derive from other people, past experiences, beliefs, or internal values. But, that doesn’t change the fact that they are sometimes very toxic to our relationship. 

Alternatively, couples sometimes struggle to meet each other’s expectations because they simply don’t know what the other one expects from them or in their relationship. 

Now, maybe you are pretty certain about what YOU expect from your relationship and your partner, but that doesn’t mean that your partner can read your mind, which means they most likely have no clue what you expect. 

If you want to avoid unhappiness in your relationship, it is your responsibility to be very clear about your expectations and share those with your partner. 

If in doing so, you come to realize that some of your expectations might be slightly unrealistic, or even impossible to meet, you might want to review where that expectation comes from and what is more important – being unrealistic or being happy.

2. Communication

One of the most common relationship issues that couples face is communication. There is often either a complete absence of communication, constant miscommunication , or very poor communication. The end result is almost always frustration, unhappiness, and unmet needs. Many times the root cause of the communication issue is in “interpretation.” 

You misunderstand what the other person is saying and spend too much time and energy arguing a point your partner never intended. It’s a futile exercise. It is, therefore, essential to take the time to fully comprehend what your partner is trying to say. 

Also, if you’re the one talking, it’s important to make sure you’re communicating clearly and exactly what you mean so that your partner can understand. You need to recognize the fact that their perspective is not the same as yours.

Their experiences, points of view, and even baggage are not the same as yours. But good communication demands empathy. It’s to see the world through their eyes as much as possible and then treat them the way that you would treat yourself.

3. Unsupportive partner

Another common relationship problem occurs when a partner is unsupportive of goals and interests. When you are in a relationship, you want to treat your partner like they can be whatever they want to be. 

You want them to follow their dreams and will do anything you can to help support them along the way – and you expect the same in return!

4. Finances

One of the most common relationship problems couples will admit to are troubles in the relationship with finances. Not having enough money or not knowing how to split your financial burdens , as well as loss of jobs, a lack of money, poor money management, debt, and overspending are all common issues that can put pressure on relationships.

Discuss your finances when your relationship gets serious, and be honest about any debt you may have. Rely on one another if money gets tight and never stop communicating.

5. Cheating and other forms of infidelity

Cheating is a huge issue in relationships today. The internet has made all forms of cheating as simple as downloading an app. Sexting, emotional affairs , porn, sneaking around, and physical relationships with someone other than your romantic partner are all huge issues that damage relationships, sometimes irreversibly.

Infidelity is a hard subject to broach with your romantic partner, but it is in the best interest of your relationship to let your partner know when you are emotionally or physically checking out. You owe it to yourself to give your relationship another shot. Get your issues out in the open either with date nights or regular honest communication or seek couples counseling to help mend your relationship.

6. Not enough time spent alone

Some of the common relationship problems involve not spending enough time alone together. This is especially true for couples who have children. Between work and family obligations, you sometimes feel more like roommates than romantic partners . This is because you have stopped ‘dating’ one another. Such circumstances can make a romantic partner feel unappreciated, unattractive, and emotionally frustrated.

Call up your favorite babysitter and establish a child-free date night once a week with your spouse. This allows you to reconnect as a couple instead of as parents. Go on dates and treat one another like you’re still trying to woo each other.

Boredom is a common problem in long-term relationships. Being with the same person for many years can seem to take the ‘spark’ out of your union. You may also feel you have outgrown one another. Don’t despair or give up. 

You can reverse this feeling by looking for new ways to connect with your partner. Look for new things to do together such as travel or take up a hobby. This will help you bond over something fun and exciting.

8. Sexual intimacy

As the years go by and your relationship becomes seasoned, there will likely be a point where your sexual flame will dim. There could be a multitude of reasons as to why you or your partners in sex has dwindled, but no matter what the cause is, this decrease in sexual intimacy tends to cause common relationship issues.

In order to avoid such problems, there are a few important things that you should consider:

  • As you spend more and more time with someone, the act of sex becomes predictable. In most cases, the more predictable the sex, the less fun it is to have. Think about your favorite movie for a second. When you first saw it, you were enthralled. You watched it over and over again, enjoying every viewing. 

But after 10, 20, or 30 times seeing the same plotline play out, you only pulled it out for special occasions. Your sex life is just like that favorite movie. So, spice things up . Your favorite movie’s plotline is set in stone. The plotline between you and your spouse’s sexual experience can be changed any time you want it to. 

Get creative, get ambitious, and understand that it’s not the other person’s fault. It’s just that, although you enjoy having sex, it’s just the same thing over and over again. Try something new today.

  • Your expectations for your sex life may be a bit unrealistic. As your sex life loses steam, you likely are replacing more love and appreciation in the void left behind. Instead of harping on the lack of sex you’re having , take a moment and be grateful for the person you get to lay your head down next to.

9. The anger habit

The anger habit soon gets ingrained, and before you know it, you’re spending a large chunk of time fighting with your partner.

Think about it – if someone is angry and shouting at you, how likely are you to listen carefully and look for a solution?

Most people, understandably, react to anger with either anger or fear.

10. Not consulting each other

Let your partner know that they are a priority to you by consulting them before you make decisions.

Big decisions like whether to take a new job or move to a new city are obvious life choices that should be discussed with your spouse.

But don’t forget to include them in smaller decisions such as who picks up the kids tonight, making plans with friends for the weekend, or whether you eat dinner together or grab something for yourself.

10 signs of relationship problems that hurt the most

All relationships have their highs and lows, even the happiest of ones. There is no escaping them, and if not dealt with accurately, they can lead your relationships towards absolute chaos and destruction.

Here are 10 signs your relationship is having problems:

  • You both spend less amount of time together
  • There is minimal communication
  • You both are critical of each other
  • One partner indicates that the relationship is not going well
  • Differences of opinions are criticized than worked upon
  • You both are always defensive in front of each other
  • You both have stopped discussing long-term plans
  • You set other priorities over your relationship
  • Maintaining the relationship feels like a duty
  • You are happier when they are not around and vice versa

30 relationship problems and solutions

Now, how to solve relationship issues?  

Common relationship issues are not hard to solve; all you need for that is a strong will to work on your relationship issues, and love , of course.

Here are some common marriage problems and the solutions for how to resolve your relationship problems that you should know about.

When wondering about how to solve relationship problems, it can be useful to read first and then bring the conversation up about how to handle relationship problems with your partner.

1. Lack of trust

Lack of trust is a major problem in any relationship.

Lack of trust isn’t always related to infidelity – it can rear its head any time. If you find yourself constantly doubting your partner or wondering if they’re truthful with you, it’s time to tackle your trust issues together .

Relationship problems will keep mushrooming when there is a dearth of trust in a relationship.

Solution : 

Be consistent and trustworthy. Each of you should make an effort to be where you say you’re going to be and do what you say you’re going to do. This is one of the best solutions to marriage problems.

Call when you say you’ll call. Never lie to your partner. Showing empathy and respect for your partner’s feelings also helps to build trust.

2. Overwhelm

When life gets too much, you get overwhelmed. Maybe you’re in the midst of going after a promotion at work. Maybe they’re dealing with a troubled teenage son or daughter.

Whatever the reason, your relationship soon takes a back seat. Then relationship problems keep building up.

Solution: 

Talk to each other about what’s happening, and about what kind of support each of you needs .   Lean on each other instead of getting so caught up in other issues that they drive a wedge between you. 

Figure out together a time that will be just for you two.

3. Poor communication

Poor communication leads to misunderstandings, fights, and frustration. It also leads to one or both of you feeling unheard and invalidated and can quickly build into resentment and other common relationship issues.

Communication is a skill like any other, and learning it can make all the difference to your relationship. Learn how to listen without judging or interrupting, and how to get your point across without attacking.

Communicate with each other as friends, not combatants. Figure out what your communication style is and how compatible it is with your partner.

Work your way towards the solution by understanding what communication style would work better for both of you.

Also watch:

4. Not prioritizing each other

It’s so easy to take your partner for granted , especially when you have a lot of things going on. Before you know it, the only time you get together is over a hurried family dinner or while trying to get out the door in the morning.

Make time for each other every single day. No matter how busy you are, carve out fifteen or thirty minutes; that’s just for the two of you to talk and spend quiet time together.

Text regularly throughout the day. Add in a weekly date night to make sure your partner knows they’re your priority.

5. Money stress

Money is a leading cause of stress in relationships .  Maybe there’s not enough. Or maybe there is enough, but they spend it while you prefer to save. Perhaps you feel they’re too tight with the purse strings.

Whatever the issue, money can quickly cause problems.

One of the tips to fix old relationship issues regarding finances is to put those good communication skills to work here and have a serious talk about money. Figure out a budget that you both agree on and stick to it.

Work out a financial plan for your future and take steps towards it together. Make crystal clear agreements and keep them.

6. Changing priorities

We all change as we move through life. Maybe you were both ambitious once, but now you’d rather live a quiet life. Perhaps your partner is no longer enthusiastic about your shared dream of buying a house by the sea.

Changing priorities can cause a lot of conflicts.

Look for what you both still have in common while allowing your partner to change and grow. Embrace who they are now instead of pining for the past.

If you have different priorities about major lifestyle issues, l ook for common ground, and compromise that you are both happy with.

7. Chore wars

It’s easy to lose your temper when it feels like you’re the one taking out the trash for the hundredth time in a row, or you get home from overtime to find the house is a tip. Chore wars are a leading cause of conflict in relationships .

Agree together on who is responsible for what, and stick to it—factor in a little flexibility for when one of you is much busier than usual.

If you both have different ideas of what constitutes a neat home, it might be time for a little compromise.

8. Different intimacy needs

Problems with your sex life are stressful and can have a big impact on your relationship. If one of you isn’t happy or you’re finding you have widely different intimacy needs, it’s time for a serious talk.

Carve out time for intimacy. Arrange for someone else to take the kids once a week, or make the most of any time you have alone at home together.

Sex keeps you feeling physically and emotionally close, so make sure you are both happy with your sex life .

9. Lack of appreciation

It doesn’t come as a surprise to you that bad bosses compel good workers to quit ? Up to 75% quit their job not because of the position itself, but because of their boss who never expressed appreciation.

Being taken for granted is one of the fundamental reasons for breakups.

Appreciation is what keeps us motivated and committed, both in our work and our relationships.

Remembering to compliment or notice the things our partner shows, we are grateful and increases the overall satisfaction with the relationship. Saying thank you goes a long way.

10. Children

Having kids is a blessing, but it requires a lot of dedication and effort. This can cause a strain on the relationship when partners disagree on the way they want to raise children, address problems that occur, and spend family time.

Solution:  

Talk to your partner about why they think something should be done differently and share your reasoning. Often, we are repeating or trying to avoid patterns we were raised by.

Get together and spend some time understanding where the need to do things a certain way is coming from. When you understand, you can change and create a new way to parent that works for your family.

11. Overinvolvement

When we find the person, we love we want to share everything with them and to have them do the same. However, this can lead to feelings of losing one’s individuality, feeling of freedom, and a sense of accomplishment.

What does it take for you to be your own person while being their partner? Think of areas that you want to keep to yourself that give you a feeling of achievement and freedom.

It might be a hobby or doing sports. Talk to your partner so they don’t feel rejected by this new change and introduce it gradually.

12. Infidelity

What each of us defines as infidelity and where we draw the line can differ. Infidelity means various things to different people. Infidelity can encompass, besides the sexual act, flirting, sexting or kissing.

When infidelity has occurred, trust is broken, and a person can feel betrayed. This can snowball into many other issues and problems.

Talking about what infidelity is for you and your partner is important. They may hurt you inadvertently because, for example, they don’t find flirting a problem.

When something has already occurred, there is a choice to be made. A couple can try to regain trust and rebuild or end the relationship . In case the first one is chosen, seeking professional help can be a wise decision.

Figuring out marriage challenges and solutions and learning how to work out relationship problems is much more productive with counseling .

13. Significant differences

When there is a critical difference in core values, the way partners approach life, and challenges, issues are bound to happen.

For example, it might be that they are more spontaneous or hedonistic, while you plan more and save rather than spend. Nonetheless, if your views and expectations from life differ considerably, you are bound to argue.

When there are core dissimilarities between you, you might wonder if you are suited for each other. The answer is – it depends. What kind of change would you both need to undertake for this relationship to survive?

Are you willing you make that change, and how much will it “cost” you? If you decide you can and want to change, by all means, give it a go. This is the only way you will know if the change is enough for this relationship to succeed.

14. Jealousy

You might be in a happy relationship for a long time before noticing the first signs of jealousy. They might act fine at first but slowly change.

They start asking for your whereabouts, distrusting you, checking up on you, distancing or stifling you, and demonstrating concern about your affection towards them.

Often this behavior is a reflection of previous experiences that were triggered by something that happened in the current relationship.

Both partners need to make an effort. If your partner is jealous, try to be transparent, predictable, honest, and share. Give them time to get to know you and trust you.

However, for this to be solved, they need to make a separate effort to change their anticipations and work out their concerns. There is a difference between privacy and secrecy, and this line needs to be redrawn.

15. Unrealistic expectations

If you are human, you have unrealistic expectations ; no one is free of them. Nowadays, we might expect our partner to play many major roles: the best friend, trusted companion, business partner, lover, etc.

We might expect our partner to know what we want without saying it, advocate fairness at all times, or strive to change the other into what you desire them to be.

This can lead to misunderstandings, repeated quarrels, and misfortune.

If you want to solve a problem, you need to comprehend it first. Ask yourself – what is it that you feel entitled to? If you could wave a magic wand and change things, how would the new, pink reality look like?

What are you doing at the moment that you feel could get you there?

When you grasp what you are expecting to happen, but reality and your partner are depriving you of it, you can start to look for ways to ask differently or ask for different wishes.

16. Growing apart

So many things on the task list, and there is only one of you. How long ago did you stop including things to do with your partner on that list? Drifting apart happens bit by bit, and we don’t notice.

You might wake up one morning and realize you can’t remember the last time you had sex, a date, or a conversation that is more than organizational.

A relationship is like a flower, and it can not blossom without nourishment. When you notice the signs, it is time to act. It will take time to cross the distance that has been created, but it is possible.

Prioritize your time together, bring back old habits and activities you did together, laugh, and take time to reconnect.

17. Lack of support

When life hits us hard, we cope with it the best we know. However, often our coping skills are not enough, and we need support. Lack of support from a partner can lead to feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and feeling overwhelmed.

Long-lasting lack of support also affects the way we value the relationship we are in, and satisfaction drops significantly.

If you don’t ask, the answer is certainly “no.” Talking about what we need and what we can provide can clear the air of unrealistic expectations.

Unspoken and unfulfilled needs lead to negative beliefs about the relationship.

Understanding what our partner can provide helps adjust what we come to them for and look for alternative sources of support while our partner works on becoming one of the main pillars of encouragement and comfort again.

18. Addiction

Substance addiction can put a serious strain on a relationship.

Partner’s addiction can cause a significant effect on the family budget, cause many arguments, increase trust issues, cause ignorance and neglect of children and other family members, and impair overall relationship happiness.

Couple problems can be worked out with couples therapy . Counseling can be enormously helpful as it helps both partners deal with the issues arising simultaneously.

Understanding what triggers prompt addiction and building new habits as a couple promotes healthier ways of addressing problems. Individual therapy is recommended as well for both partners.

It can help understand the roots and patterns leading to addiction, and provide support to the non-addicted partner.

19. Moving at different speeds

Do you find yourself in a current relationship uncomfortable with the speed the relationship is progressing?

You might find your new partner moving more rapidly, wanting to spend more time together, constantly calling or texting, wanting to go away together, or you meeting their family?

Alternatively, you could be in a relationship that is not progressing the way you hoped it would, and the milestones you desired are not being reached.

When you and your partner need different speeds and intensities of intimacy and commitment , you may argue.

This can lead to becoming terribly upset over seemingly little things, pulling away, and questioning whether this person is for you.

Don’t sweep things under the rug rather address what is happening. Avoiding problems is not the best relationship solution.

What kind of reassurance or demonstration of love would bring you back on the same level? How are your needs different, and what can each of you do to find the middle ground?

20. Lack of responsibility

When one of the partners avoids taking responsibility, it can cause severe damage to the partnership. Money struggles, child neglect, fighting over chores, or playing the blame game can happen daily.

One of the most detrimental factors to the relationship is a significantly uneven distribution of responsibility amongst partners.

When addressing this issue, the first thing to do is to stop the blaming game. If change is to occur, you need to look forward, not backward. If the change is to be long-lasting, it needs to happen gradually.

Overwhelming a partner to make up for all this time of dodging responsibilities will just prove they were right to steer clear of them.

Give forgiving a shot as it has been linked to relationship success . Also, agree on the pace of change and the first things to share accountability for.

21. Controlling behavior

Controlling behavior happens when one of the partners expects the other to behave in certain ways, even at the expense of the wellbeing of the other partner.

This kind of toxic behavior deprives the other partner’s freedom, confidence, and a sense of self-worth.

Controlling behavior is a learned pattern of behavior from primary family or previous relationships.

At one point in life, this was beneficial for the controlling partner, and they need to learn to express affection differently. Speak up, set boundaries and adhere to them, and, if possible, try couples counseling.

22. Boredom

All relationships undergo periods of fun and boredom. However, when the feeling of monotony and apathy color, most of the days, it is time to react.

Allowing to fall into a daily routine and go with the flow can lead to decreased libido and overall satisfaction with the relationship .

Think back to the honeymoon phase and recall the things you did as a newly formed couple. What is available from that list today, and what do you still feel you could enjoy?

Make a conscious decision to add spontaneity into the relationship to start the upward spiral to a more eventful relationship.

23. Outside Influences

All couples are exposed to outside influences and opinions on how things should be done.

Some influences are benign, like grandparents’ occasional babysitting, while others can be detrimental, like disapproval of one spouse by the family or friends of the other.

Your relationship comes first, and everyone else’s opinion is secondary. Show each other support and that you are a united front against the world.

To resist the influence, you can limit the amount of time spent with or personal information you share with the family members or friends trying to impact you.

Marital problems and solutions may appear quite similar on the outside, but no one knows better than you what you need to make it work.

24. Ineffective argument

Arguments are a part of every relationship. However, the way fights are led, and what is their outcome can have a big impact on the relationship.

Disagreement can be helpful or destructive, depending on what you do with them. Having the same fight over and over, losing your temper, or saying things you regret later is bound to make you feel it’s not worth it.

After an argument, you should feel you have made progress in understanding where your partner is coming from.

A good fight is one after which you have agreed on what can be the first step both will take to resolve the issue. Start by listening to hear the other side, not only by waiting for your turn.

Research together ways to fight better and only ever focus on the next step needed to take.

25. Keeping a scoreboard

When you keep blaming and recalling mistakes each of you has made, you are keeping a virtual scoreboard of each other’s faults. If being right is more important than being with the other person, the relationship is doomed.

This leads up to a build-up of guilt, anger, and bitterness and doesn’t solve any problems.

Deal with each problem separately unless they are legitimately connected. Focus on the problem at hand and speak your mind. Don’t let it build up and mention it months later.

Decide if you want to save the relationship and if you do, learn to accept the past as is and start focusing on where to go from here.

26. Life gets in the way

In a relationship, it’s usually the priority to nurture and develop the connection. When life is a persistent inconvenience, it means one or both of you were not necessarily ready to get involved, and that can happen. 

Unexpected encounters with another person occur all the time. But when they do, it’s essential to allow it to flourish- placing it first over the chaos.

When the two of you notice you put the union on the back burner, it’s time to make a conscious effort with reprioritizing the other person regardless of your day-to-day situation to battle the new relationship struggles.

27. Trust is critical from the very beginning

Every relationship has problems, but when you first connect, you don’t want to go in with the idea that you can’t trust the other person. If this is baggage from a past relationship , that’s unfair and self-defeating for any new partnership. 

If your new partner made a promise and then lied to get out of it, that will create mistrust early on. That’s tough to get back. In an effort to do so, one piece of advice on relationship problems is that there needs to be much transparency and commitment in keeping your word moving forward.

28. You can readjust goals at a moment’s notice

Perhaps in the first few weeks of dating, your life goals appear to be similar, but a profound life circumstance changes your perspective on where you see yourself in the future or maybe your mate’s.

The change is not in keeping with what the two of you discussed. In this situation, you can find a way to get your partner to see things from your point of view, or the partnership won’t be possible.

These are the kinds of issues in relationships that are difficult to overcome. Often differences in life goals are deal-breakers.

29. A kind word here or there

New relationship problems can include a lack of manners in numerous ways. Pleasantries like telling someone they look nice or saying thank you, or expressing how much you appreciate something they’ve done wane after a few dates. 

It shouldn’t—unfortunately, comfortability and taking a partner for granted set in quickly. If you notice this early on, say something, but also make sure to lead by example. Be the first to tell your mate these things often.

30. Notice continued bad behaviors with a new relationship

You’ll know you have early relationship problems if your mate is continuously on their phone when you’re together. That’s incredibly rude behavior for anyone when they’re with other people for any reason, let alone being on a date or in the early stages of a partnership . 

The focus should be on time spent with each other since free time is precious with the world’s hectic pace. When this happens at the start of a partnership, it won’t get better with time. It needs to be addressed and stopped to strengthen your union ultimately.

Relationships are marathons

Most relationship problems and ways of fixing relationship problems would be something that you must have heard about or experienced; still, when it comes to utilizing this common knowledge, not everyone is thorough with the implementation.

It’s not difficult to answer “how to solve marriage problems,” and there is plenty of advice on relationship issues and solutions.

However, when it comes to solving marriage issues and relationship issues advice, everything boils down to effort and implementation.

These common problems in relationships are not completely avoidable, and every couple runs into some of them at one point.

The good news is, working on relationship problems can produce a considerable difference and get your relationship back on track, free from all relationship difficulties.

Be creative, don’t give up on each other, and you will reach the solution.

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Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle Read more in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. Read less

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Focus on the Family

How to Know When Your Marriage Is in Trouble

  • By Mitch Temple
  • July 9, 2021

Wife looking down after a tense conversation with her husband, who is sitting arms crossed in the background in the background

Marriage problems vary in complexity. You can solve most marriage trouble without help from a professional counselor. However some situations indicate you should consider guidance from an expert.

You can go directly to specific sections of this article using these links: Help for various marriage problems Does your marriage need help? Is your marriage in crisis? Is your marriage worth saving? When a spouse won’t get help Can you do it alone? How should you approach your spouse about marriage counseling? How do you find a Christian marriage counselor?

Every marriage experiences problems. No matter how long you have been married — whether one year or 40 years — you will have marriage trouble. Marital problems can be extremely intense and painful, and those hurts can cut deeply and last a long time.

The pain caused by someone you care about as much as your spouse may be very difficult to deal with. Most of us have preconceived ideas about how our spouses should treat us. We expect mistreatment from other people, but not from our spouses. As human beings, we often think, feel and behave in ways that are hurtful, even toward those we love. Flawed people treat one another in flawed ways; so no matter how much we care, we’ll sometimes hurt each other.

Your marriage isn’t doomed because you hurt each other, have difficulty communicating or have disagreements over important issues. Couples have been experiencing and solving problems on their own, beginning with Adam and Eve and continuing to this day. The more experience and maturity a couple develops in a marriage, the more success gained in managing and solving problems. Through the Holy Spirit, God resides in the marriage of two Christians and gives them the ability to successfully manage relationships in a healthy and productive way ( Malachi 2:15 ).

Ask other couples what it took to build a strong and successful relationship and move beyond marriage troubles. Rest assured that their strong marriages did not develop overnight. They experienced some of the same problems you have. One reason their marriages are strong today is that they were committed to the idea that no matter what obstacles they faced, they would learn to manage their problems and overcome crises on an ongoing basis.

When to seek immediate help

The principles we’re suggesting are not intended to deal with every problem that couples face in marriage. We especially don’t want to imply that you should remain in a situation where your safety or the safety of your family is at risk. If you are in a relationship where your spouse displays any of the following signs, please seek help immediately:

  • Abuse: verbal, emotional, sexual, spiritual or physical
  • Symptoms of a significant mental illness
  • Major chemical imbalance
  • Threats to your safety or the safety of your children

These are not simplistic issues and cannot be dealt with by simply reading an article or a book, or talking to a friend . Seek professional help immediately.

Help for various marriage troubles

Marital problems can range from minor to serious to crisis-level, with each requiring a different kind of help. The following examples use fictitious but realistic characters to illustrate how wide-ranging marriage problems can be. Help is available at all levels and can turn even a hopeless-looking situation around in a radical way.

Minor problems

Darrin and Shelby aren’t communicating like they used to. They disagree often about how to discipline their kids, and they spend less time together. They recognize the need to refresh their marriage and attend a marriage seminar together at church. After the seminar they begin to find success implementing the tools they discovered.

Serious problems

Erik and Alina are either fighting or withdrawing, and Erik has threatened several times to leave. It becomes clear to both of them that their marriage will not survive without making it a priority to learn to relate in healthy ways. They find a Christian counselor; after repeated visits, they learn to break their destructive patterns.

Marissa is devastated to learn that Neil has had an extramarital affair. At first she wants to divorce him. She throws him out of the house. But in time, she realizes that she wants to fight for her marriage. He wants to rebuild their relationship, too. She insists on a separation until they can complete intensive marriage counseling. After six months, Neil moves back in, and both commit to new patterns of behavior and continued counseling.

Diagnosing the core problem

Though problems such as those described above are common in marriage, they can become extreme in a short time. If you think your marriage is in trouble and the problems in your marriage have become unmanageable, unhealthy and destructive, or cause extreme emotional distress, you may need someone from outside your marriage to help provide objective help. This is someone who can address the root problem and not simply the presenting issue , that is, the apparent problem.

For example, the presenting problem might be your spouse failing to control his or her spending. The core issue might be not setting appropriate boundaries.

If a problem causes considerable distress and you don’t seem to make progress addressing it, approach the problem from a different angle. For ongoing, unmanageable problems, visit a licensed Christian marriage counselor . It’s best to work with someone rooted in Christian values to complement your beliefs. This counselor should be professionally trained to work with relationship issues. Not every counselor is trained to deal with complicated relationship problems, nor does every counselor hold to basic Christian values.

Does your marriage need help?

Marriage problems vary in complexity, and most problems won’t need the help of a professional counselor to solve. However some situations indicate you should consider guidance from an expert:

Concern from family and friends

If your family or friends recognize that you have a problem, pay attention. People outside your marriage can often spot a serious problem before you can. Family members and friends often have intuitive hunches or become concerned about your relationship based on behaviors or attitudes you may manifest. Listen carefully if someone expresses concerns about the health of your marriage.

Children’s behavior

Another indicator involves your children. Their behavior can often provide a barometer of what is occurring inside a home. You and your spouse may believe that the current level of interaction and health in your marriage is OK, but your children may sense that something is wrong and needs to change

Young children often react to marriage trouble by acting out their frustrations. They begin to act out at school, around friends or even at home. Teens will often react to trouble at home by becoming involved in negative behaviors that are out of character for them. Teens typically attempt to deal with the stress of their parents’ unhealthy marriage in unhealthy ways.

The present compared to the past

A practical, commonsense indicator that you need counseling comes from comparing the way your marriage used to be to the way it is currently. In the beginning of marriage, most couples spend a great deal of time together, serve each other, compromise on differences, communicate and solve basic problems. If these practices were once commonplace and are now extremely rare or nonexistent, your marriage is likely struggling.

Physical abuse

If physical abuse is taking place in your marriage, the first concern is safety. If you are being physically abused or threatened, get to a safe place. Don’t remain in a situation where you are likely to be hurt again. Contact your local abuse hotline or the police. Understand that abuse is never justified or normal.

Most addiction problems in marriage — such as drugs, alcohol, gambling and  pornography  — cannot be solved by the addict or the spouse. Treatment for addiction is a complex and long-term process. It will not just go away. It requires professional help and ongoing recovery. Inpatient treatment is frequently required to beat an addiction. Addiction can quickly destroy a marriage, so don’t try to deal with it on your own.

Sexual problems

Because sexual dynamics in marriage are so personal and so much a part of biblical oneness, this area of your marriage should be nurtured and protected. If sexual problems are persistent in your marriage, avoiding or ignoring them will not make them go away. Sexual problems can lead to more severe problems, such as a spouse seeking alternatives for having physical or emotional needs met. As eating properly is essential to good physical health, healthy sex is vital to good marital health. Don’t ignore sexual problems in your marriage.

Emotional problems

If you or your spouse begin to experience problems such as ongoing anger,  depression , anxiety, abnormal stress, guilt or  biochemical problems  (e.g., bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, paranoia or other psychoses), you need help. Emotional problems are often reactions to something being out of balance with your spouse or in the relationship. Until the core problems are properly addressed, the presenting problems and emotional disturbances will keep reoccurring. One emotional problem left untreated can lead to more serious problems. For example, unhealthy anger can lead to severe depression. Until the anger issue is addressed, the depression will likely continue.

Extramarital affairs

The discovery of an affair is one of the darkest and most painful moments in marriage. The emotional damage and accompanying symptoms that take place after an affair are monumental. There is no hurt or pain like the pain felt by a betrayed spouse. The emotional pain and intensity reflect the experience of an extremely traumatic event. Shock, denial, anger, sadness and other emotions are normal.

When this level of hurt occurs, you need to get professional help because your marriage is in trouble. After an affair, most people can’t go through the healing process successfully without outside intervention. You experience thoughts, feelings and spiritual challenges never felt before.

Don’t attempt to be objective and try to manage the roller coaster of emotions alone without professional Christian counseling.  Marriage intensives  are also available. They are specifically designed to help turn around marriages that have experienced crises such as affairs. Ongoing counseling and support are always necessary — even after a couple attends an intensive or crisis seminar.

Realize that  an extramarital affair doesn’t necessarily mean your marriage is over . As painful and difficult as it can be, an affair could be the turning point in many marriages to help the couple move from dysfunction and pain to health and success.

Prolonged withdrawal is always a dangerous sign. Withdrawal in a marriage indicates that one or both of you have reached a point of such intense pain that you can’t function inside the relationship any longer, so you withdraw physically or emotionally. The natural result of withdrawal is a downward spiral into an apathetic state where you simply don’t care any more. Communication, sex, affection and other normal relational necessities become nonexistent.

Ongoing withdrawal is one of the most difficult states a married couple can be in — and is one of the most difficult states to get out of. As long as there is some type of interaction, including healthy arguments, there is still some level of concern or care in the marriage. But withdrawal is a sign that one or both spouses have given up.

The couple in this situation typically needs counseling so they can start over to rebuild the trust, concern and emotion vital to the growth and functioning of a healthy marriage. And if counseling didn’t work previously, there is no reason to believe that trying a different type of program or counseling in the future won’t work.

Destructive patterns

Do you continue to follow the same destructive pattern that creates marriage trouble? If you continue to experience a problem and the same reactions surface repeatedly, you likely need outside help. Doing the same thing will only net you the same result. Getting into a rut is extremely easy for a couple. The only way to get out of a deeply ingrained pattern is to change course and responses. Calling an experienced Christian therapist could be the first step to pulling you out of the rut.

Some patterns can be altered without outside intervention. For example, a wife may consistently complain and nag as soon as her husband walks in the door from work. If she is made aware of this unconscious habit, she could become motivated to break it. Simply learning to give her husband a few minutes to unwind after arriving home may also precipitate a willingness on his part to respond to his wife with a better disposition.

Negative spiritual relationship

The Bible teaches that a marriage is systemically connected to a couple’s relationship with God. If your marriage is unhealthy, it will eventually affect your spiritual life. The apostle Peter writes:

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 
 Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.  ( 1 Peter 3:1-2,7 )

Marriage problems can obstruct healthy access to God and the spiritual blessings that flow from it. If your marriage is causing you a tremendous amount of pain, you will most likely not focus on your relationship with God. You may even say and do things that are out of character and dishonoring to God. Pain has a way of overriding our values, instincts and even our beliefs.

For example, no matter how well trained and mildly tempered a dog may be, if you stand on his paw long enough and with enough intensity, he may bite you. The same is true with pain: If you stay in it long enough, your thoughts, beliefs and behavior can be negatively (and dramatically) affected.

If your marriage is unhealthy and in trouble, your walk with God may be as well. It is difficult to have one right and the other wrong. The way we perceive and treat each other affects how we perceive and respond to our heavenly Father.

Is your marriage in crisis?

A marriage crisis typically occurs when an unusual amount of stress or unresolved conflict causes the level of anxiety to become too intense for the couple to manage. As a result, anger, resentment, dissatisfaction, frustration and hopelessness take control of the relationship. The couple typically continues interacting negatively or disengages completely from each other, and the relationship shuts down. This is usually the place in the crisis process where a couple looks for help from a counselor, minister, friend or family member.

Is your marriage worth saving?

Without a doubt, your marriage is worth saving! Divorce does not typically solve personal or relational dysfunctions.

If you have children, the impact of your divorce will affect them their entire life . Most children do not want their parents to divorce, in spite of their parents’ arguments and basic problems.

Findings from a study of unhappy marriages conducted by the Institute for American Values showed that there was no evidence that unhappily married adults who divorced were typically any happier than unhappily married people who stayed married. Even more dramatically, the researchers also found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed together reported that their marriages were happy five years later.

When people hear about these findings, their response typically is:

All that research is well and good, but I have tried everything I know to do, and my spouse simply will not agree to get help. I have cried, begged, threatened and pleaded, but nothing works. So what do I do? I can’t do it on my own. There is nothing else I can do.

Maybe there is.

When a spouse won’t get help

Three of the most common reasons one spouse gives the other for not seeking help in the marriage are:

  • “We don’t have that kind of problem” or “Our problems are really not that bad.” That’s the denial response. If your spouse requests counseling, your marriage is probably worse off than you think. Your spouse is apparently in enough pain to seek relief from it in some way. If your spouse is hurting to the point of taking this action, you need to join him or her in solving the problem. If your spouse has a problem, you have a problem.
  • “We can’t afford it.” Most Americans can afford whatever they really want. If we can afford cellphones, hobbies, eating out, health-club memberships, designer clothes and daily visits to premium coffee shops, we can afford marriage counseling or an intensive designed to save our marriage. A question to seriously consider is “Can we afford not to go to counseling?” If you don’t go to counseling, what will be the outcome? Can you live for the rest of your married life with the outcome?
  • Another common reason your spouse might reject counseling is that he or she simply is not hurting as much as you are. Your spouse is not where you are on the pain scale. The typical response shown by the motivated spouse is a sense of frustration or unhealthy responses such as nagging, pouting, arguing, accusing, angry outbursts or simply being bitter. But unhealthy responses like these only cause wounds to deepen and the other spouse to move further away from the relationship. You can’t “nag” your spouse into getting help.

On the spiritual side, a possible factor that could prevent you or your spouse from getting needed help is pride. Many marriages are failing and are eventually destroyed because one or both partners are too prideful to admit that they have a problem and may be wrong. The same tenacity and stubbornness that often keeps a person in a marriage can lead to a level of pride that prevents that person from receiving the proper help when in trouble. Pride can stand in the way of progress like a sentry guarding a castle. Nothing can get past it or move beyond it.

One of the greatest things you can do for a troubled marriage is to be willing to say, “I’m wrong. I’m sorry and I realize this problem has a lot to do with me.” This attitude is the opposite of a prideful attitude. It says, “I know I must be willing to change if I expect my spouse to change. I will do whatever it takes to save and change my marriage.” This could mean committing time, money and energy to a counseling relationship that will hold you accountable for your growth and progress.

A heart dominated by pride says, “I would rather allow my marriage to die than admit I am wrong.” A heart driven by biblical love and commitment says, “I will do whatever it takes to salvage and rebuild my marriage. I will give up everything I own. I will change jobs. I will mortgage the house. I will do whatever it takes, because I know my marriage is that important.”

Can you do it alone?

What if one spouse is willing to go to counseling and the other is not? Should the willing spouse go to counseling or seek help without the other? In most cases, the answer is definitely yes. Your marriage can be helped immensely if you initiate change.

When one spouse stops trying to change his or her partner and stops pointing fingers, making accusations, and withholding affection and attention, the energy often shifts to self-improvement. When you make positive changes, it allows positive changes to occur in your spouse.

The fact is, you cannot change your spouse, but you can change yourself. Often the most obvious point of movement in a conflicted marriage is self-movement. Changes you make to improve yourself and marriage can effectively produce healthy responses in the other spouse.

You can encourage your spouse to communicate better by learning to communicate better yourself. You can coach your spouse to respect you by respecting him or her first. You can teach your spouse to stop complaining with a bitter spirit when you break the pattern of complaining and develop a new spirit. Setting better boundaries for yourself often leads to better boundaries for your marriage.

Your husband or wife may not be willing to read books, go to seminars or go to counseling at this stage; but if you take the first step, your changes may positively influence your spouse.

Think of your decision in practical economic terms. Ask yourself: If I take no course of action or even pursue divorce, how economically advantageous will that be? The average cost of divorce in the United States is about $15,000. After divorce, many women are forced to live below the poverty line while attempting to raise their children.

Divorce is not the answer to most problems. Divorce is not the best solution to being unhappy or unfulfilled. It typically creates more problems than you can ever imagine and will have a long-term effect on your children, as well as generations to come. Therefore, the question is: “Can you afford not to go to counseling?”

How should you approach your spouse about marriage counseling?

Common mistakes in approaching your spouse.

  • Showing disrespect. You can’t change a person by tearing him or her down. The most natural response for that kind of approach is negative. How do you feel when others treat you disrespectfully? Does it make you want to do something for them? Does it make you want to show affection? No. Showing disrespect will only discourage your spouse from seeking help.
  • Losing control of your anger. Anger is often a way of punishing your spouse when he or she does not give you what you want. It’s not only ineffective in producing a long-term change in how your spouse behaves, it also destroys any threads of love or feelings that may still be evident. Sure, if your spouse doesn’t respond to your requests, the temptation exists to respond in anger; but if you don’t get the response you want, getting angry and sparking a heated argument won’t help.
  • Blaming your spouse. Don’t accuse or point fingers. Don’t resort to exaggerated or over-generalized language such as: “You always act like this! You never do what I ask you to do. You just don’t care anymore. It’s always your fault. You always do this or always do that.” That type of language isn’t valuable in solving the problem. It only creates more issues to deal with and more wounds to heal in the future.

Approaching your spouse the right way

  • Begin by approaching your spouse at the right time and in the right manner. Choose a time when he or she is not distracted or too stressed or tired.
  • Approach your spouse in a nonconfrontational manner. An angry tone of voice or condescending “parent-to-child” approach will only cause him or her to shut down.
  • Make sure you bring up the topic in a nonthreatening way. If your communication pattern has digressed to the point that when you bring up this topic your spouse becomes defensive and “blows up,” you may consider writing him or her a letter to be read when you are not present. This gives your spouse time to think about what was said and respond without all the emotions.
  • Don’t say, “ You need counseling.” Recognize and admit that you both have problems, and they must be addressed as a team. Say, “ We need counseling.”

You may try statements like the following to encourage your mate to join you in getting help for your marriage:

  • I’m concerned that if we allow this problem to continue, it will only get worse. I can’t go on like we have been. I need help more than anything. I know you are uncomfortable with this, but so am I. It’s embarrassing and even frightening to me. I realize, however, that if we keep doing the same things in our marriage, we’ll get the same results.
  • We need outside intervention and direction. A trained Christian therapist is capable of helping with issues and dangers that we can’t deal with on our own.
  • I know God wants us to do better in our marriage, and our children deserve a more stable home environment than this. It’s obvious that if we don’t get help, we’re making the decision to continue in a painful marriage. I don’t want us to have marriage trouble. I believe there’s hope for us, and it is possible to have a healthy marriage like we used to.
  • I love you with all my heart, but I’m tired and need your help and support on this. If you won’t go for yourself, would you go for me? Let’s talk about it after dinner tonight.

These nonthreatening approaches take some of the pressure and blame off the other partner. They typically open doors to the possibility of getting help instead of closing doors by using negative approaches.

How do you find a Christian marriage counselor?

The key criteria for selecting a Christian counselor involve the counselor’s credentials and faith.

Just because a person refers to him- or herself as a counselor doesn’t necessarily mean he or she is properly trained. A counselor should be licensed by the state in which he or she practices. Also, if you’re experiencing marriage problems, you may want to look for a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT). MFTs have specific training in relationship dynamics. Licensed Professional Counselors (LPCs) have specific training in dealing with individual problems, but many also have experience and training in marital issues. You may also look for someone who has specific experience in working with couples in crisis.

You can ask questions that will help you decide if a particular therapist is a good fit for you:

  • “What type of license do you have?” The most common types of licensure include: Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), Psychologist (usually a Doctor of Psychology or Psy.D.), Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) and Psychiatrist (M.D.).
  • “In which state is the license held?” The license should be from a state licensing board, not simply from a professional or national counseling association. The counselor’s license should also be from the state where the therapist is currently working.
  • “Is your degree from an accredited university?”
  • “What other credentials do you hold? Professional memberships?”
  • “Do you have specific experience in working with couples in crisis? What type of problems have you worked with?”
  • “Are you active in your faith?”

Here are some questions to help determine a therapist’s level of faith:

  • “Are you recognized and recommended by the local church community?”
  • “Do you attend church regularly? What activities are you involved with at church? Do you teach a class or participate in service activities?”
  • “Who is your minister or pastor? Would you be uncomfortable with my talking to your pastor?”
  • “Do you have a statement of faith?” (Do the counselor’s beliefs conflict with yours?)
  • “What do you believe about marriage and divorce?”
  • “Do you encourage reconciliation and offer therapeutic services to couples toward that end?”
  • “Do you use prayer and Scripture in your practice?”

If a counselor seems reluctant or uncomfortable in answering these questions, seek other recommendations from trusted Christian advisers such as church leaders, staff, Sunday school teachers, denominational boards, etc.

Copyright © 2006, 2019. Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

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  • Topics: Conflict Resolution , Marriage Crisis

About the Author

how to solve marriage problems

Mitch Temple

Mitch Temple (LMFT, M.S., M.S.) holds graduate degrees in counseling and marriage/family therapy from Amridge University. He served as a pulpit and counseling pastor, specializing in crisis, business and marriage- and family-related issues.  Mitch is the author or co-author of five books, including The Marriage Turnaround.   He is also published author in various professional journals.  Mitch and his wife Rhonda have three grown children.

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Relationship Real Talk: Marriage Communication Problems and Solutions

You can’t build a house without the foundation, right? That’s what communication is to a marriage: brick and mortar.

Couple laughing together, after they successfully worked through communication problems in marriage

Most of us have had moments in marriage where we want to say something to our partner but we simply can’t find the words. Instead, we bury it, avoid the conversation, or even hope that our spouse can magically read our minds.

But if this hasn’t worked for you so far, it’s not surprising — and you’re not alone.

Relationships need real talk, even when it’s uncomfortable. The more you prioritize communication, the more it can help you and your spouse bond and strengthen as a unit.

Fixing communication problems in marriage can provide residual benefits in the household and other aspects of your lives as well.

What causes a lack of communication in a marriage?

Communication challenges happen for many reasons.

Positive communication may not have been modeled to you by your caregivers growing up, or your current relationship challenges may have left you more than a little tongue-tied.

Some possibilities include:

  • breach of trust
  • built-up resentment
  • difficulty with vulnerability
  • financial disagreements
  • lack of time together
  • insecure attachment style
  • parenting conflicts
  • unrealistic expectations

Common problems behind closed doors

While each couple is different, there are common communication problems in marriage.

1. Talking and yelling ‘at’ them

Talking “at” someone often means you’re trying to be heard. Talking “with” someone, on the other hand, means you are trying to understand each other.

Yelling can make things even more complicated. Being yelled at activates the fight, flight, or freeze response and floods the body with stress hormones. When this happens, all nonessential systems shut down, like complex problem-solving ability.

It’s not that your spouse doesn’t want to understand you. From a biological perspective, as research shows, they literally can’t — at least not until things have calmed down.

You might try

  • taking a 20-minute timeout until you’ve both calmed down
  • moving your body to release pent-up tension and aggression
  • writing down your main points briefly and reading the note to your spouse

2. Letting resentment and bitterness take root

Being bitter toward your spouse is like holding a heavy suitcase: You can do it with little consequence for 5 minutes, even an hour. But over the long term, the suitcase weighs you down and makes it hard to get anything else done.

A 2017 study involving 335 couples over 16 years of marriage found that while men are more likely to feel this kind of marital tension than women, the numbers indicate it’s typically women’s unhappiness that tends to lead to divorce.

Bitterness and resentment can also turn into contempt, one of the “ Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse ,” according to renowned marriage researcher John Gottman. This is when you start to look at your spouse unfavorably for who they are, rather than for what they do.

  • avoiding building a “case” against your partner
  • communicating your needs and complaints regularly
  • separating your spouse’s actions from their character, such as “I feel hurt that the dishes weren’t done” versus “You’re a lazy slob”
  • articulating why you feel grateful for your partner

3. Making plans and taking actions that are about me instead of we

When it comes to relationships, two halves don’t make a whole. It’s more accurate to say two “whole” people come together, each with separate interests and identities.

However, too much separation can spell trouble. When you or your partner start making plans or decisions without considering the other person, someone may feel like their needs aren’t being met.

Interdependence is a healthy compromise. According to a 2018 review of 30 studies, couples who refer to “we” instead of “me” function better and have happier relationships.

You can try to remember that the two of you are on the same side. It’s not you versus them — it’s you and them versus the challenge . It’s ideal to tackle the issues like a team.

  • shifting the pronouns to “we” instead of “me” when talking about your relationship
  • doing trust-building activities together , like rock climbing or couples yoga
  • learning your spouse’s love language and sharing your own with them

How do you fix communication problems in marriage?

Effective communication in marriage may not be intuitive for everyone. For many of us, it’s a skill set that takes some know-how. Here’s how to get started:

Process your feelings

You may find it helpful to take a moment and sort through your feelings ahead of time. This could look like:

  • journaling stream of consciousness
  • observing your thoughts in meditation
  • practicing what you want to say in a mirror
  • writing a “vent” letter (that you don’t send!)

Create a ‘container’

You can pick a time and a place , preferably when both of you won’t be rushed or distracted. From there, you might try this process:

  • Put your phones on silent.
  • Relax your body language to signal “openness.”
  • Lay down some ground rules, like no interrupting or raising your voice.
  • Set a timer for a previously agreed upon amount of time.
  • Stick to the topic at hand — and only that topic.
  • Avoid complaining and blaming.
  • Use “I” statements (e.g., “I feel sad when I cook dinner and end up eating it alone”).
  • While you’re silent, hone your active listening skills .
  • When the timer goes off, reset it so the other person can speak.

Try psychotherapy

If your communication challenges stem from old relationship issues, like a breach of trust, you may personally find it helpful to speak with a compassionate professional who can help you work through it, so you can bring your mentally healthiest and whole self to the marriage.

Consider couples counseling

An objective third party, like a couples counselor , can help point out patterns and strengthen your bond with communication exercises.

Educational resources

According to a 2021 study involving 94 married women, learning communication skills can help reduce marriage burnout.

You may want to consider enrolling in a course, doing a couples workshop, or expanding your library on the subject.

Some useful books may include:

  • “ Love More, Fight Less ” by Gina Senarighi, PhD
  • “ Questions for Couples ” by Marcus and Ashley Kusi
  • “ Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life ” by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD
  • “ Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High ” by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler
  • “ Now You’re Speaking My Language ” by Gary Chapman
  • “ The 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work ” by John M. Gottman, PhD, and Nan Silver

Let’s recap

While not the sexiest topic, communication is arguably the most sacred part of a union.

Done correctly, it can smooth out relationship turbulence, improve emotional intimacy, and strengthen your bond for the long haul.

Improving your communication skills takes work, but it’s well worth it. If it’s difficult for the two of you to do on your own, consider working with a couples counselor.

As author and entrepreneur Tony Robbins says, “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be in love?”

We’d pick the latter.

Last medically reviewed on October 5, 2021

4 sources collapsed

  • Birditt KS, et al. (2017). The development of marital tension: Implications for divorce among married couples. https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fdev0000379
  • Jafari A, et al. (2021). The impact of effective communication skills training on the status of marital burnout among married women. https://bmcwomenshealth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12905-021-01372-8
  • Karan A, et al. (2018). Meta-analytic evidence that we-talk predicts relationship and personal functioning in romantic couples. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0265407518795336?journalCode=spra&
  • Kozlowska K, et al. (2015). Fear and the defense cascade: Clinical implications and management. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4495877/

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The Healthy Marriage

Build a Better Marriage One Step at a Time

Practical Solutions To Marriage Problems: 9 Simple Steps To Solve Issues Fast

March 2, 2022 By Editorial Staff - Reviewed by Joseph Nolan

Relationship conflict can be difficult. But there are practical solutions to marriage problems. In this article, we will discuss nine of the most common solutions to marriage conflict.

Solutions To Marriage Problems

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In This Article

Austin and Jasmine Learn to Resolve Issues

Austin and Jasmine were like most couples. They got married right out of college. Jasmine got pregnant with their first child two years into the marriage. Austin’s job required lots of travel.

After 10 years, things were starting to fall apart. They were fighting more and more, and it seemed like they were growing further and further apart.

One night, they had a huge argument that led to a full-blown fight. They were screaming and yelling at each other, and it seemed like things were about to get physical.

Finally, they both decided that it was time to find solutions to their marriage problems. They agreed to separate for a month. They didn’t want to divorce, but they knew they couldn’t continue down the path they were on.

They both needed to learn different skills that would help them work through their issues. It was a long and difficult road, but eventually, they were able to repair their marriage and find the happiness that they had once had.

The nine things listed in this article were the starting point for Austin and Jasmine. Applying these practical, common-sense principles helped them get back on track so they could rebuild their relationship.

Nine Practical Solutions To Marriage Problems

No one enters into a marriage expecting it to fail, but unfortunately, many do. If you’re experiencing problems in your marriage, don’t give up hope.

There are ways to resolve these issues and save your marriage . Here are nine practical steps to help you do just that:

  • 1. Communication is key.

Successful couples know how to communicate. They not only understand why communication is important, but they have also learned skills that help them navigate difficult issues .

Talk to your spouse about what’s bothering you and try to come to a resolution .

Marriage conflicts can be resolved through effective communication. This means that both spouses need to be able to openly express their thoughts and feelings, listen to each other, and be willing to compromise. If one spouse is not able to communicate effectively, the conflict will likely continue to escalate.

One problem that can often arise in marriage is that spouses may not feel heard or understood. This can lead to resentment and frustration.

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Effective communication can help to resolve these issues by providing a forum for both spouses to share their thoughts and feelings. It is also important for spouses to be able to listen to each other. This means that they should pay attention to what the other person is saying, and try to understand their point of view.

This can be difficult, especially if one spouse is feeling angry or frustrated. However, it is important to remember that listening is not the same as agreeing with the other person.

Finally, spouses need to be willing to compromise. This means that they should be willing to meet each other halfway, and not insist on getting their own way. Compromise can be difficult, but it is often the key to resolving conflicts.

2. Don’t keep your feelings bottled up. If something is wrong, talk about it.

Emotions are a natural part of life, and itñ€™s important to express them in a healthy way. Bottling them up can lead to all sorts of problems, so itñ€™s important to talk about them openly and honestly.

Bottling up your feelings can lead to all sorts of problems, such as depression, anxiety, and even physical health problems.

If something is wrong, talk about it with someone you trust. Talking openly and honestly about your feelings can help you feel better and can help you resolve any problems you may be having. Bottling our emotions can also lead to us lashing out at others.

If weñ€™re bottling up our anger , for example, we may end up taking our frustration out on the people around us. This can damage our relationships and make it harder for us to deal with our emotions in a healthy way. Talking about our feelings can also help us to better understand them.

When we talk about our feelings, we can start to see patterns in the way we react to certain situations. This can help us to better manage our emotions in the future.

3. Try to understand your spouse’s point of view, even if you don’t agree with it.

When your spouse has a different opinion than you do, it’s important to try to understand where they’re coming from. Even if you don’t agree with their point of view, it’s helpful to have an understanding of why they think the way they do. This can help to avoid conflict and promote better communication.

This is why empathy is so important. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. When you empathize with your spouse, you’re showing them that you care about their feelings and that you’re willing to try to see things from their point of view. It’s not always easy to do, but it can help to strengthen your relationship.

Agreement on big issues is necessary for a marriage to work. But it is okay to disagree on smaller issues. In fact, it’s healthy for couples to have different interests and to see the world in different ways. It’s important to remember that you’re not always going to agree with your spouse, and that’s okay. As long as you’re able to respect their opinions and communicate effectively, you’ll be able to handle any disagreement that comes your way.

Here are three simple steps to make sure you handle disagreements right:

  • Listen to your spouse
  • Acknowledge their feelings
  • Respond with love and acceptance

If you can follow these steps, you’ll be able to resolve any disagreement in a healthy way.

  • 4. Make time for each other. Dedicate time each day to spend with your spouse, without distractions.

Spending time with your spouse should be a priority in your relationship. Dedicating time each day to spend with your spouse without distractions can help strengthen your relationship. This time can be used for talking, spending time together, or just being in the same room. It is important to make time for each other to connect and strengthen your relationship.

We know time together is a key to making marriage strong, but what about when life throws you curve balls?

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What if you donñ€™t have time to spend together because of work, kids, or other obligations?

Thatñ€™s where date nights come in.

Date nights are a great way to reconnect with your spouse and have some uninterrupted time together. They donñ€™t have to be expensive or extravagant, but they should be something that you look forward to and make time for.

Some ideas for date nights include:

  • Picnic dinner in the park
  • Watching a movie at home
  • A night out at your favorite restaurant
  • Hiking or biking together
  • A weekend getaway

No matter what you do, the important thing is that you make time for each other and focus on your relationship. Date nights are a great way to do that!

  • 5. Be affectionate. Show your spouse that you still care by being physically affectionate.

When it comes to physical affection , there are countless benefits to being physically close to your spouse.

For one, it feels good. Human beings are wired for touch and when we are physically close to someone we love, it releases oxytocin, which is often called the ñ€œcuddle hormoneñ€ because it makes us feel happy, content, and safe.

Physical affection can also help to strengthen your bond as a couple. In a study published in the Journal of Personal Relationships , researchers found that couples who were physically affectionate with each other were more likely to report being satisfied with their relationship.

Physical affection can also help to reduce stress and anxiety. In a study published in the Journal of Health Psychology , researchers found that couples who engaged in more physical affection had lower levels of cortisol, a hormone that is released in response to stress.

So why is physical affection so important? Because it feels good, it strengthens your relationship, and it reduces stress . Whatñ€™s not to love?

  • 6. Be forgiving. If your spouse makes a mistake, forgive them.

It is important to be forgiving of your spouse when they make a mistake because it is key to maintaining a healthy and happy relationship. When one partner forgives the other for their transgressions, it creates a feeling of trust and allows for the relationship to move forward.

Holding onto resentment and anger will only damage the relationship and hinder its growth. Forgiving your spouse is also beneficial to your own mental and emotional health, as it allows you to move on from the mistake and focus on the positive aspects of your relationship.

Ultimately, forgiveness is a choice that we make and it is one that can have a profound impact on our relationships. When we forgive our spouse for their mistakes, it allows us to rebuild trust and connection, and ultimately strengthens the relationship.

Forging Deep Connections

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Download this FREE eBook and discover how to create a deep connection with your spouse! You’ll learn:

  • 5 Things to Test How Connected You Are
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7. Don’t criticize. If you don’t like something your spouse does, try to talk to them about it in a constructive way.

When you’re married, you’re not just living with your spouse, you’re living with their quirks too. And, sometimes, those quirks can drive you crazy. Maybe your spouse leaves their clothes all over the place, or maybe they’re always forgetting to do the dishes. Whatever it is, if you don’t like something your spouse does, it can be tough to keep quiet about it.

But, before you start airing your grievances, it’s important to try to talk to your spouse about it in a constructive way . That means avoiding name-calling, insults, and other forms of negativity. Instead, try to talk to them about how their behavior makes you feel, and see if you can come up with a solution together. Of course, this can be easier said than done.

If you’ve been having the same argument over and over again, it’s likely that there’s some underlying issue that needs to be addressed. In that case, it might be helpful to use a program like Mend The Marriage which can help you and your spouse communicate better and work through your issues.

No matter what, it’s important to remember that, as frustrating as your spouse’s quirks can be, they’re still a part of who they are. And, ultimately, you love them for who they are, quirks and all.

8. Don’t try to change your spouse. Accept them for who they are.

There are many reasons why you should not try to change your spouse. First and foremost, it is important to remember that you cannot change anyone but yourself . If you try to change your spouse, you will only be met with frustration and resentment.

Additionally, it is important to respect your spouse’s autonomy and independence . If you try to change them, you are essentially telling them that you do not trust them to make their own decisions. This can be very damaging to your relationship and can lead to resentment and mistrust.

Lastly, trying to change your spouse can be a sign of a lack of self-confidence. If you do not feel good about yourself, it can be tempting to try to change your spouse in order to make them more like you. However, this is not a healthy way to approach a relationship.

Ultimately, you should love your spouse for who they are, not for who you want them to be.

9. Seek help if needed. If you’re having trouble resolving a problem, seek professional help.

Most problems couples face are common marriage difficulties. At some point, most couples experience marriage issues. When those issues escalate, it’s time to shift gears and get professional help.

Going to a professional to help with your marriage problems may seem like a daunting task, but it can be one of the best decisions you ever make. A professional can help you and your spouse understand the issues you are facing and work to resolve them.

There are many different types of professionals who can help with marriage problems, including therapists, counselors, and psychologists. It is important to find one who is qualified and experienced in helping couples work through their issues.

Click here to find a counselor

When you meet with the professional, be prepared to discuss what is going on in your marriage. They will likely ask a lot of questions about your relationship and about the problems you are experiencing. It is important to be honest and open with them, as this will help them to provide the best possible help.

The professional will likely give you both some exercises to do at home in order to help resolve the issues you are facing. They may also recommend that you attend couples counseling sessions.

If you are feeling overwhelmed or hopeless about your marriage, please do not hesitate to seek professional help. It can be the start of a journey towards a happy and healthy relationship.

Final Thoughts On Practical Solutions To Marriage Problems

No marriage is perfect, and even the best ones will experience problems from time to time. However, by following these nine practical steps, you can help resolve any marriage problems you may be experiencing.

  • 2. Donñ€™t keep your feelings bottled up. If something is wrong, talk about it.
  • 3. Try to understand your spouseñ€™s point of view, even if you donñ€™t agree with it.
  • 7. Donñ€™t criticize. If you donñ€™t like something your spouse does, try to talk to them about it in a constructive way.
  • 8. Donñ€™t try to change your spouse. Accept them for who they are.
  • 9. Seek help if needed. If youñ€™re having trouble resolving a problem, seek professional help.

What’s Next?

Marriage Repair Handbook

Marriage Repair Handbook ipad cover

What’s Include:

  • Why  conflict is not always bad , but here’s how to deal with it if is.
  • How to use the  30 minute rule  to minimize potential conflicts
  • How to reignite physical intimacy; why it  increases your sense of connection
  • The six intimacy killers and  how to address them in a healthy way
  • How to  move past your past  so you can enjoy your future
  • A list of  ‘Immediate Impact Actions’ you can do starting today  that will change your relationship
  • And  so much more

Read More on this Topic:

Reader interactions.

[…] you marry later in life, you may have less time to enjoy your spouseñ€™s company. This is because you will likely have less time together before one of you dies. This is especially […]

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How to Rescue a Damaged Relationship

how to solve marriage problems

Many relationships lose their spark over time, but it isn’t always a sign that things are broken beyond repair. What might feel like a dying relationship can often be saved or restored with a mutual commitment to making things work.

You’ve heard it a million times, but it bears repeating: even the strongest relationships face challenges.

Building a happy, healthy partnership takes work and may not always be easy, especially when there’s been a breach of trust.

“Issues are a part of life and a part of being in a relationship,” says clinical psychologist Stone Kraushaar . “And the goal is to not fixate on the past, but work to create together in a meaningful way.”

So, you do you go about that? Here are some tips to get you started, whether you’re dealing with the fallout from a betrayal or trying to keep a long-distance relationship going.

When there’s been a breach of trust

Anytime trust is broken, there’s going to be a rift in the relationship. It might be painful to face , but leaving these issues unaddressed won’t help anyone in the long run.

Take full responsibility if you’re at fault

If there has been infidelity or trust has been broken, it’s important to take full responsibility for what happened and be understanding of how your behavior hurt your partner.

Avoid becoming defensive or sidestepping your mistake, but don’t fall into self-loathing either. “You should own it in a loving way that creates the space to start to rebuild trust,” says Kraushaar.

Extend compassion and care to the person you hurt

If you’ve hurt your partner, it’s easy to fall into a spiral of shame and disappointment in yourself. But that’s not going to help either of you.

Rather than spend all your time beating yourself up over what you did wrong, try shifting that energy toward showing care and compassion to your partner.

Give your partner the opportunity to win your trust back

While you have every right to feel hurt and angry, there should be a desire to work on the relationship.

“Trust can never be restored until the person whose trust was broken allows their partner a chance to earn it back,” Kraushaar affirms.

Practice radical transparency

Instead of bottling up emotions , Kraushaar encourages people to be “radically transparent” with each other about what has hurt them. This involves truly getting it all out there, even if you feel a bit silly or self-conscious admitting certain things.

If you’re the one who broke the trust, this also involves being radically transparent with yourself about what motivated you to do so. Was it simply a lapse in judgement? Or was it an attempt to sabotage a situation you didn’t know how to get out of?

Consult with a professional

Broken trust can take a toll on everyone in the relationship.

If there’s been a significant breach, consider working together with a qualified therapist who specializes in relationships and can provide guidance for healing.

When you’re in a long-distance relationship

Being physically apart more often than not can be rough on a relationship. Keeping the romance alive takes extra effort on everyone’s part.

Manage expectations

Have a discussion with your partner about your exclusiveness and commitment to each other. What does this look like for each of you? What are you comfortable and uncomfortable with?

Being honest and upfront about your expectations from the beginning can prevent things from going wrong down the road.

Have regularly scheduled visits

“It’s so important that couples know and have scheduled visits and can look forward to those times and plan to make them special,” notes Kraushaar.

In fact, research has shown that long-distance relationships where partners have a reunion planned are less stressful and more satisfying.

Set aside time for online dates

If you’re not able to organize scheduled time together due to significant distance or finances, Kraushaar recommends setting up regular online dates with a theme or specific focus.

Don’t just go for your usual conversation topics . Cook a meal together, watch a movie while you keep the video chat open, play a virtual game, or even read a short story aloud, taking turns.

Don’t let your world revolve around your partner

While it’s important to pay attention to fostering closeness in a long-distance relationship, that aspect shouldn’t consume you.

No matter how much you miss them, don’t forget about other important areas of your life.

Keep up with your hobbies and interests — a happy and healthy relationship involves each partner being their own person.

When you live together

No matter how you dice it, going through a rough patch when you live together is stressful.

Plan a regular ‘check in’

Kraushaar recommends setting up a specific time each week or so that allows you to talk about more difficult topics, such as money, sex , and trust so that these don’t bleed over into all of your interactions.

Learn to compromise

All relationships require give and take. When you’re living in close quarters, being accommodating of their needs and preferences without sacrificing your own can help foster more happiness and fulfillment.

Consider working out some kind of temporary agreement that allows each of you to unwind at home alone.

For example, maybe you stay a little later the gym on Tuesdays and Thursdays, while they hang out with a friend on Mondays and Wednesdays.

Spend time with friends outside of your relationship

Spending time with friends can have a powerful effect on your personal mental health and can help strengthen your personal identity.

Remember, staying connected to your partner means having a life outside of your relationship.

Engage in affectionate physical contact

Kraushaar encourages partners to regularly hug each other in a fully present and connected way. Holding hands or hugging releases oxytocin which can reduce stress and boost your mood.

If you’re not on great terms right now, this might be easier said than done. Try starting slow — simply putting your hand on theirs can help to show that you still care.

Don’t be hooked on romance

Deep-level intimacy is about creating a satisfying and meaningful relationship that isn’t always based on romantic expression .

Sure, many people want to be swept off their feet from time to time, but it’s important to genuinely respect and enjoy your partners for who they are outside of what they can give you.

When you’ve just had a big fight

Picking up the pieces after a big fight can feel like an impossible task. Try these techniques to help you each move forward.

Use skilled communication

Once tempers have calmed down, it’s important to make sure you each have a chance to get your points across. Try to give each person space to communicate their point of view.

“Being open and honest about one’s thoughts and intentions about the relationship itself and the future can restore — or newly create — a sense of safety” in the relationship, says Montreal psychologist and relationship specialist Zofia Czajkowska , PhD.

Speak from your heart

In order for you partner to truly hear you, it’s important to communicate what you’re really feeling below all the tension.

For example, avoid accusatory phrases, such as, “You did this to me!” Instead, aim for something along the lines of, “When X happens I feel Y and I think it would be helpful if you could do Z to reassure me or prevent that from happening in the future.”

Actively listen

If you catch yourself forming a rebuttal in your head as someone is talking to you, you’re not really listening . “You’re getting ready to defend yourself or go to battle,” says Czajkowska.

“Winning” an argument is never truly winning, she adds. “If your partner feels that they lost, it will likely contribute to more distance, tension, and resentment, so in the long run, you lose too.”

Break the pattern

When rebuilding the relationship, Czajkowska advises to consider it a new one , rather than saving an old one.

“Seeing it this way creates an opportunity for defining rules and boundaries from the beginning,” says Czajkowska.

This means striving to understand and work through underlying issues as well as letting go of past resentments you’ve been holding onto.

When you just aren’t feeling it

A lack of passion or case of the “mehs” doesn’t automatically mean your relationship is beyond repair.

Look at the upside of your relationship

Spend a week noticing or writing down all the things your partner does “right.”

People tend to see what they’re looking for. If you’re looking for reasons to be mad or upset with your partner, you’ll probably find them. But this works in reverse, too. Keep your eyes peeled for the good things.

Say ‘thank you’ for the small things

Similarly, don’t just silently observe your partner’s right-doings.

When they do something that’s kind of helpful, even if it’s just tidying up the kitchen after a meal, verbally thank them .

Have fun together

Sometimes, you just fall into a rut. It might sound cliche, but setting aside some time, even just a few hours , to go do something out of the ordinary can make a big difference.

Psychological research shows that partners who play together experience more positive emotions and report greater happiness.

Here are a few ideas to get you started:

  • Take a one-time class together.
  • Grab a deck of cards or a board game you each used to love and head to the park.
  • Scan your local weekly paper for unusual events. Even if you’re not totally sure what the event entails, make a plant to go check it out together, whether it’s a craft fair or a car show.

Maintain intimacy and communication

Establish how to take care of each other emotionally , advises Czajkowska.

What does this actually mean? For starters, commit to giving each other a heads up when it feels like you’re drifting apart.

Sit down together and look at what might be causing that. Have you each been wrapped up in work? Has it been too long since you spent the day just enjoying each other’s company?

“Commitment to working on the relationship is just as important as commitment to the partner,” she emphasizes.

Frequently asked questions

How do you save a broken relationship.

How you save a damaged relationship can depend on the cause of the damage but most strategies involve restoring trust, intimacy, and communication and making a commitment to repairing the relationship. Consulting with a professional, such as a couples therapist, may help provide specific strategies you can try.

Is there a way to save a dying relationship?

You may be able to save a dying relationship if you and your partner commit to rebuilding it. Some strategies to try include active listening, compromise, honesty, and communication. More specific advice can depend on the reasons your relationship is damaged.

How do you bring a relationship back to life?

You can potentially restore a relationship by both partners making a commitment to noticing the things the other does right, having fun together, and finding ways to take care of each other emotionally by building intimacy.

Can you save a relationship after falling out of love?

You may be able to save a relationship by remembering or rediscovering the things you like about your partner, engaging in physical contact if both partners want to, and doing things to have fun and make memories together, like attending a one-time class.

The bottom line

Ultimately, you’ll need to evaluate whether the relationship is worth the work that’s required to save it from a low point.

It’s also wise to make sure everyone involved is committed to saving the relationship. If you’re the only one willing to put in the work, reconciliation probably isn’t likely.

That said, abuse of any kind , whether it’s physical, verbal , or emotional , is a red flag. Keep in mind that signs of toxicity can be quite subtle. Are you walking on eggshells around your partner? Have you lost your confidence or sense of self?

If you have any inkling that you might be experiencing abuse of any kind, consider reaching out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233).

You can also contact the Crisis Text Line by sending a text message to:

  • 741741 in the United States
  • 686868 in Canada
  • 85258 in the United Kingdom

Cindy Lamothe is a freelance journalist based in Guatemala. She writes often about the intersections between health, wellness, and the science of human behavior. She’s written for The Atlantic, New York Magazine, Teen Vogue, Quartz, The Washington Post, and many more. Find her at cindylamothe.com.

Last medically reviewed on October 19, 2023

How we reviewed this article:

  • Aron A, et al. (2000). Couples' shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10707334/
  • Benham-Clarke S, et al. (2022). Learning how relationships work: a thematic analysis of young people and relationship professionals’ perspectives on relationships and relationship education. https://bmcpublichealth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12889-022-14802-5
  • Czajkowska Z. (2019). Personal interview.
  • Fowers BJ, et al. (2016). Enhancing relationship quality measurement: The development of the Relationship Flourishing Scale. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27918187/
  • Gómez-López M, et al. (2019). Well-being and romantic relationships: A systematic eeview in adolescence and emerging adulthood. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6650954/
  • Kraushaar S. (2019). Personal interview.
  • Maguire KC. (2007). “Will it ever end?”: A (re)examination of uncertainty in college student long-distance relationships. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01463370701658002
  • Murray CE, et al. (2021). The happy, healthy, safe relationships continuum: Conceptualizing a spectrum of relationship quality to guide community-based healthy relationship promotion programming. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/1066480720960416

Our experts continually monitor the health and wellness space, and we update our articles when new information becomes available.

Current Version

Oct 19, 2023

Cindy Lamothe

Heather Hobbs

Medically Reviewed By

Lori Lawrenz, PsyD

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Jul 21, 2023

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5 strategies to help solve problems in your marriage

Image: A couple holds hands

Perpetual problems — every relationship has them, but not every couple knows how to work through them.

A perpetual problem endures because you and your partner fundamentally see the situation differently, according to Michelle Peterson, founder of the marriage blog #staymarried .

“It’s one of those things where you bring it up, you try to work it out, and it just stays in your relationship,” Peterson tells NBC News BETTER.

Peterson, 39, is the executive director of a nonprofit, and her husband Tony, 41, is a software designer. The couple live in Somers, Wisconsin, and have been happily married for 11 years with three young daughters.

Like any couple, the Petersons experience perpetual problems, but have learned how to live happily in spite of them. Here’s how.

Michelle and Tony Peterson

They recognize when their relationship is in gridlock

If you and your partner can’t see a disagreement eye to eye no matter how much you talk about it, you’re probably experiencing gridlock, Peterson says.

“I said the same thing over and over again, and he’s still not budging — that is a symptom of gridlock,” she says.

In the past, Peterson often failed to recognize when her relationship was in gridlock, believing she could change her husband’s perspective or behavior, she says.

“What’s really happening is you’re at an impasse altogether, because you’re dealing with something that fundamentally you’re not agreeing on,” she explains.

When they hit gridlock, the couple takes a break

If a perpetual problem in your relationship turns into gridlock, Peterson says, it’s important to understand that fighting isn’t going to solve anything.

If an argument gets heated, Peterson says, she and her husband take a break.

The rule is simple: When one partner asks for a break during an argument, the other must honor it, she explains. After about 30 minutes, she says, they’ll calmly revisit the issue.

“Usually, you can be more clear headed and understanding once you’ve been able to temper down your emotions,” Peterson says.

Get past “the curse of familiarity”

When the couple realized they needed a third-person perspective, they began seeing a marriage counselor in 2015. Peterson was surprised to hear her husband tell the therapist things she never knew.

“He shared things that were so insightful to me that I never considered asking about,” she says.

Peterson says the “curse of familiarity” had prevented her from asking questions that would have helped her understand him better.

“You’re with somebody long enough, you think you know them, and so you forget to dig a little bit or to ask better questions, or to get curious about each other,” she says.

The truth is, you live with a person, you don’t live with a solution.

Seek to understand each other better

Peterson says she no longer focuses on solving problems in her relationship. Instead, she says she strives to understand where her husband is coming from.

“The truth is, you live with a person, you don’t live with a solution,” she says.

To better understand your partner, it’s important to spend quality time with them alone, says Peterson.

Each night, the couple dedicates 15 minutes to talking alone. They go outside on their deck with no electronics to distract them, she says. Peterson calls it their “nightly debrief.”

“It doesn’t matter what the weather is, it doesn’t matter how cold it is — if it’s super cold we’ll just bundle up extra — but we go outside, no devices, just the two of us, for 15 minutes,” she says.

Give your partner space to make up their own mind

In the past, Peterson would automatically assume certain situations were problems. Now, she says, she no longer makes those assumptions. Instead, she asks her husband what he thinks.

“I’m approaching him not like I already have the answer,” she says, “but [with], ‘Hey, what do you think about this? Does this feel like a problem to you?’”

For example, the couple recently moved into a new apartment that didn’t have a washer and dryer. Peterson wanted to buy their own appliances, but her husband saw things differently. Instead, he takes the family’s laundry to a laundromat once a week on his free time.

Since her husband doesn’t see it as a problem, Peterson decided not to push the issue.

“He needs to decide for himself he doesn’t want to go to the laundromat anymore,” she explains.

She says seeking to understand each other, rather than trying to solve perceived problems, has made the relationship stronger despite their fundamental differences.

“I don’t know any non-corny ways to say this,” Peterson says, “but we like each other.”

How to survive perpetual problems in a relationship

  • Recognize when you're at an impasse. If you are having the same fight over and over, there is probably a fundamental difference you simply can’t agree on.
  • Know when to take a break. Recognize that fighting and arguing won’t solve anything. If things get heated, ask your partner for a break, take 30 minutes, and revisit the issue with a clear head.
  • Get past “the curse of familiarity”. Don’t assume that because you’ve been with someone for a long time that you know and understand everything about them. Be curious and ask questions.
  • Communicate, communicate, communicate. It’s important to take time each day to talk. This gives you an opportunity to get to know each other’s perspective.
  • Create space. Don’t assume that a situation is a problem that needs to be solved. Instead, talk to your partner to see how they feel about it. If they don’t see it as a problem, give them space to come to their own conclusion.

MORE RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

  • How one couple saved their marriage by asking this simple question
  • How thoughtful communication can improve your marriage, according to a divorce attorney
  • Why this marriage counselor says a "good enough marriage" is one that lasts a lifetime

Want more tips like these? NBC News BETTER is obsessed with finding easier, healthier and smarter ways to live. Sign up for our newsletter and follow us on Facebook , Twitter and Instagram .

Gwendolyn Seidman Ph.D.

10 Tips for Solving Relationship Conflicts

These research-backed tips can make your conflict discussions more constructive..

Posted April 17, 2017 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

  • Conflicts can improve your relationship if handled correctly.
  • Be direct, but don’t blame your partner for problems or be overly negative.
  • Trying taking an outside, objective perspective on your relationship problems.

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As anyone who has been in a romantic relationship knows, disagreements and fights are inevitable. When two people spend a lot of time together, with their lives intertwined, they are bound to disagree from time to time. These disagreements can be big or small, ranging from what to eat for dinner or failing to complete a chore to arguments about whether the couple should move for one partner’s career or deciding on children’s religious upbringing.

The mere fact that you fight with your partner isn't a sign there is real trouble in your relationship. In fact, when handled properly, fighting can improve your relationship. If you never fight and never talk about your problems, you will never solve them. By dealing with conflicts constructively, you can gain a better understanding of your partner and arrive at a solution that works for both of you. On the other hand, it is also possible for conflicts to escalate and create ill will without resolving anything. How can you improve the odds of a successful resolution to the conflicts in your relationship? Here are 10 research-backed tips:

1. Be direct.

Sometimes people don't just come out and plainly state what is bothering them, and instead choose more indirect ways of expressing their displeasure. 1 One partner may speak to the other in a way that is condescending and implies underlying hostility. Other times, partners may mope and pout without really addressing an issue. Partners may also simply avoid discussing a problem by quickly switching topics when the issue comes up or by being evasive. Such indirect ways of expressing anger are not constructive, because they don't give the person who is the target of the behaviors a clear idea of how to respond. 2 They know their partner is irritated, but the lack of directness leaves them without guidance about what they can do to solve the problem.

2. Talk about how you feel without blaming your partner.

Statements that directly assault your partner’s character can be especially damaging to a relationship. 3 If a man frustrated by his girlfriend's jealousy says "You’re totally irrational!" he is inviting her to become defensive, and this can shut down further conversation. A more constructive strategy is to use "I statements" and pair them with "behavior descriptions." 4 I statements focus on how you feel, without blaming your partner, and behavior descriptions focus on a specific behavior your partner is engaging in, rather than a character flaw. For example, this man might say, "I get irritated when you claim I'm flirting with someone during an innocent conversation." These tactics are direct, but don't impugn your partner's character.

However, it should be noted that these direct negative tactics can be constructive — in some situations. Research has shown that for couples with relatively minor problems, blaming and rejecting one's partner during a conflict discussion was associated with lower relationship satisfaction over time and tended to make problems worse. For couples with major problems , a different picture emerged: Blaming and rejecting behaviors resulted in less satisfaction immediately following the conflict discussion, but over the long term , the problems improved, and this led to increases in relationship satisfaction. 5

3. Never say never (or "always").

When you’re addressing a problem, you should avoid making generalizations about your partner. Statements like "You never help out around the house," or, "You're always staring at your cell phone" are likely to make your partner defensive. Rather than prompting a discussion about how your partner could be more helpful or attentive, this strategy is likely to lead your partner to start generating counterexamples of all the times they were, in fact, helpful or attentive. Again, you don’t want to put your partner on the defensive. 3

4. Pick your battles.

If you want to have a constructive discussion, you need to stick to one issue at a time. Unhappy couples are likely to drag multiple topics into one discussion, a habit renowned conflict researcher John Gottman calls "kitchen-sinking." 3 This refers to the old expression "everything but the kitchen sink," which implies that every possible thing has been included. When you want to solve personal problems, this is probably not the strategy you take with yourself. Imagine that you wanted to think about how to incorporate more physical exercise into your daily routine. You would probably not decide that this would also be a great time to think about how to save more money for retirement , organize your closet, and figure out how to deal with an awkward situation at work. You would try to solve these problems one at a time . This seems obvious, but in the heat of the moment, a fight about one topic can turn into a complaining session, with both partners trading gripes. The more complaints you raise, the less likely it is that any will actually get fully discussed and resolved.

5. Really listen to your partner.

It can be very frustrating to feel like your partner is not paying attention to you. When you interrupt your partner or assume that you know what they're thinking, you're not giving them a chance to express themselves. Even if you are confident that you know where your partner is coming from or know what they're going to say, you could still be wrong, and your partner will still feel like you’re not listening. 6

You can show your partner that you're paying attention by using active listening techniques. 7 When your partner speaks, paraphrase what they say — that is, rephrase it in your own words. This can prevent misunderstandings before they start. You can also perception-check, by making sure that you're interpreting your partner's reactions correctly. For example, "You seem irritated by that comment — am I right?" These strategies both prevent misunderstandings and show your partner that you're paying attention to them and care about what they're saying.

how to solve marriage problems

6. Don't automatically object to your partner’s complaints.

When you're criticized, it's hard not to get defensive. But defensiveness doesn't solve problems. Imagine a couple arguing because the wife wants her husband to do more chores around the house. When she suggests that he do a quick clean-up after he gets ready to leave in the morning, he says, "Yes, that would help, but I really don't have time in the morning." When she suggests that he set aside some time on the weekend, he says "Yes, that could be a way to schedule it in, but we usually have plans on weekends, and I have work to catch up on, so that won't work." This "yes-butting" behavior suggests that her ideas and views are not worthwhile. Another destructive, defensive behavior is "cross-complaining," when you respond to your partner's complaint with one of your own. For example, responding to "You don’t clean up enough around the house" with "You’re a neat freak." It's important to hear your partner out and really consider what they're saying. 3

7. Take a different perspective.

In addition to listening to your partner, you need to take their perspective and try to understand where they're coming from. Those who can take their partner's perspective are less likely to become angry during a conflict discussion. 8

Other research has shown that taking a more objective perspective can also be helpful. In one study, researchers staged a simple marital quality intervention, asking participants to write about a specific disagreement they had with their partners from the perspective of a neutral third party who wanted the best for both members of the couple. Couples that engaged in this 20-minute writing exercise three times a year maintained stable levels of marital satisfaction over the course of the year, while couples who didn’t showed declines in satisfaction. 9

8. Do not show contempt for your partner.

Of all of the negative things you can do and say during a conflict, the worst may be contempt . Gottman has found that it is the top predictor of divorce. 3 Contemptuous remarks are those that belittle your partner. This can involve sarcasm and name-calling. It can also include nonverbal behavior like rolling your eyes or smirking. Such behavior is extremely disrespectful, and implies that you're disgusted with your partner.

Imagine that one partner says, "I wish you took me out more," and the other responds, "Oh yes, the most important thing is to see and be seen and overpay for tiny portions of food at some rip-off restaurant. Could you be more superficial?" Or one partner says they're too tired to clean up, and the other responds, "I'm sure you're sooo exhausted after a long day of chatting at the water cooler. I've been busting my butt all day, and you just get home and sprawl out on the couch, staring at your smartphone like a teenager ." This kind of contempt makes it impossible to engage in a real discussion and is likely to elicit anger from your partner, rather than an attempt to solve the problem.

9. Don't get overwhelmed with negativity.

It can be hard not to respond to a partner's bad behavior with even more bad behavior. But indulging that urge will only make the conflict worse. When couples engage in what Gottman and his colleagues calls "negative affect reciprocity," they trade more and more heated insults and contemptuous remarks. 10 And as the conflict goes on, the negativity escalates. So how much is too much negativity? In his research, Gottman found that the magic number is a 5 to 1 ratio : Couples that maintained a ratio of five positive behaviors (e.g., attempts at good-natured humor , warmth, collaboration ) to each negative behavior were significantly less likely to be divorced or separated four years later. 11

10. Know when it's time for a time-out.

If you see yourself falling into negative patterns and find that either you or your partner are not following the tips above, consider taking a time out from your argument. Even a short break for a few deep breaths can be enough to calm hot tempers. 12

What the research on conflict shows is that both perspective taking and controlling your anger are key to managing conflicts well. Airing your grievances can be productive for your relationship, but conflicts must be skillfully managed or you run the risk of making them worse.

1 Canary, D. J., & Lakey, S. (2013). Strategic conflict . New York: Routledge.

2 Overall, N. C., Fletcher, G. J. O., Simpson, J. A., & Sibley, C. G. (2009). Regulating partners in intimate relationships: The costs and benefits of different communication strategies. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 96 , 620-639.

3 Gottman, J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes . Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.

4 Fraenkel, P. & Markman, H. J. (2002). Prevention of marital disorders. In D. S. Glenwick & L. A. Jason (Eds.), Innovative strategies for promoting health and mental health across the lifespan (pp. 245-271). New York: Springer.

5 McNulty, J. & Russell, V. M. (2010). When "negative" behaviors are positive: A contextual analysis of the long-term effects of problem-solving behaviors on changes in relationship satisfaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98 , 587-604.

6 Daigen, V. & Holmes, J. G. (2000). Don’t interrupt! A good rule for marriage? Personal Relationships, 7 , 185-201.

7 Markman, H., Stanley, S., & Blumberg, S. M (1994). Fighting for your marriage: Positive steps for preventing divorce and preserving a lasting love . San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

8 Arriaga, X. B., & Rusbult, C. E. (1998). Standing in my partner’s shoes: Partner perspective taking and reactions to accommodative dilemmas. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 24 , 927–948.

9 Finkel, E. J., Slotter, E. B., Luchies, L. B., Walton, G. M., & Gross, J. J. (2013). A brief intervention to promote conflict reappraisal preserves marital quality over time. Psychological Science, 24 , 1595–1601.

10 Levenson, R. W., Carstensen, L. L., & Gottman, J. M. (1994). Influence of age and gender on affect, physiology, and their interrelations: A study of long-term marriages. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 67 (1), 56-68.

11 Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63 (2), 221-233.

12 Tavris, C. (1989). Anger: The misunderstood emotion . New York: Simon and Schuster.

Gwendolyn Seidman Ph.D.

Gwendolyn Seidman, Ph.D., is a professor of psychology at Albright College.

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How to Solve Problems in Your Marriage

  • Dr. David B. Hawkins The Marriage Recovery Center
  • Published Jul 07, 2023

How to Solve Problems in Your Marriage

I sat this morning listening to a couple bicker about whether his contact with other women at his office was “a major issue,” or “nothing to worry about.” 

To set the stage, he has had several emotional affairs at his office. He vows he has changed and is no longer tempted to become emotionally involved with other women. He is sorry for what he has done and is willing to take action to ensure he is safe in the future. 

“I know what I did was wrong,” he said. “I shouldn’t have done it and I won’t ever do it again. I want to work on our marriage .” 

“Yes, but you did it once,” she said. “If you did it once you can do it again. I can never trust you the same way I did before.”

“So, do you want me to quit my job?” he asked. 

“I don’t know,” she said. “Maybe. I want you to be willing to quit your job.” 

“But there is no place perfectly safe,” he said. “If I’m going to cheat, which I’m not, I can cheat anywhere. I’m not going to quit my job.” 

“That doesn’t make me feel very secure,” she said.  

Back and forth they went. 

He argued that his unfaithfulness was wrong, but was now over. He was willing to take precautions to guard against anything unhealthy happening again but one could say he was making a molehill out of a mountain. 

And so it went. 

Or, you side with her. “He slipped up more than once and needs to be able to voice her concerns as often as she needs to make her feel secure.”

Rather than offer a vote, I suggest the task is for this couple to work together. Both have their perspective and both sides have merit. Notice, however, that both waste a great deal of energy bickering and trying to “prove their point.” 

Scripture says,  â€œTwo are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.”  ( Ecclesiastes 4:9 ) Many other Scriptures talk about the importance of cooperating with one another.

Let’s discuss how this couple can work together on this critical issue: 

First, agree that we need to come to agreement on issues.  Remember that we are called upon to come to an agreement. Neither partner is “right,” and neither is “wrong.” Issues are most often something in the middle, with feelings needing to be understood, validated and addressed. Getting caught up in right/wrong is divisive and sets the couple up for becoming adversarial with one another.

Second, agree that cooperation and collaboration are key.  The process is usually the problem. In other words, it is often how  a couple talks to each other that creates the problem. When couples master the art of collaboration, they are better equipped to solve problems. 

Third, agree on the solution, not focusing on the problem.  Couples need to practice focusing on solutions. Staying flexible and brainstorming possibilities often yields great results. Focus on the solution, not the problem. Make sure that your conversation is “solution-focused,” not laboring on the problem. Make sure you remain positive, agreeing that you can solve anything as long as you focus on the solution. 

Finally, agree to pray about the matter. Pray before you talk about any substantive issue. God promises to give us wisdom if we ask for it. Make sure you’ve taken time to sit together and pray over a concern. Ask God to give you hearts of humility and wisdom.

Photo courtesy:  Â©Pexels/freestock.org

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how to solve marriage problems

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Home » Articles » Marriage » 10 Strategies to Help Solve Your Marriage Problems

marriage problems

10 Strategies to Help Solve Your Marriage Problems

All Pro Dad

All Pro Dad

Many good marriages slip into crisis because we don’t or won’t believe how much work it takes to keep relationships healthy and thriving. It’s just like when you stop investing in the house you are living in. It will easily fall into disrepair. Think back to when you first started to pursue your wife. It required commitment, hard work, and imagination. If winning her required that back then, why does it surprise us when neglect creates marriage problems after we walk down the aisle? She wouldn’t have married you if you took her for granted. Why risk everything now?

There are many good strategies if you want to restore your marriage. We suggest these 10 strategies to help solve your marriage problems.

1. Surround yourselves with people in healthy relationships.

Some of those negative patterns may have involved friends. Surround yourself with people who value marriage and where there’s widespread support for making yours work.

2. Choose to love.

Love is as much a choice as it is an emotion. Love may have come easy when it was brand new. Love is as much a choice as it is an emotion. Choice is an act of maturity and it has a much better track record than emotion left to make its way on its own.

3. Act as if your spouse’s happiness is more important than your own.

Putting our spouse first nurtures trust, gratitude, generosity, and affection. It can also lead to physical intimacy.

4. Put the relationship ahead of everything, including your children.

It’s unfortunate, but time has a way of eating away at our priorities. “You’re the most important thing in my life” gives way to “my work
 the family business
the children
 my aging parents
 even golf, football or drinking
” Marriages don’t work well when our partner plays second fiddle to anything – even the children. It’s a fact – the happiest kids are those with parents who love one-another best.

5. Start over from scratch.

Ask her out. Make sure you remember why you did the first time and build from there. When did you last talk for hours, hold hands at a movie, or give her a kiss when she wasn’t expecting it? Get silly about one-another. If you don’t feel like it, do it anyway- then you’ll remember why.

6. Stop taking one-another for granted.

Say “thank you” for that cup of coffee. Celebrate obscure anniversaries. Tell her how much it means to you that she cooks a great meal – or vice versa. Notice the haircut. Ask her out. Clean her car. Pay attention to the little things and act like someone who values the relationship.

7. Pray for your spouse.

Chances are you launched your marriage with both promises and prayers. Pray for your spouse , and ask for guidance as you pledge to make the kind of effort that simply won’t float without turning to God every day.

8. Get counseling.

You say you can’t afford it? Believe us, it’s cheaper than divorce. Most counseling simply involves a few sessions to get the communication flowing again. For guys, a willingness to talk in that context sends a huge, positive message to your spouse.

9. Follow the counseling with an action plan.

Just like a personal fitness program, counseling comes with homework and an action plan over time. Draw up the plan, ask friends you trust to help hold you accountable, then follow through. When both spouses take responsibility, anything is possible.

10. Change the patterns.

Do you always come home angry? Then stop the car a block away and pray about it first or do whatever else it takes to change your attitude. Does she always nag you when you leave dirty clothes on the floor? Try getting changed in a different room and initiate a new reflex. Do you always fight about discipline? Try agreeing with her decisions and supporting her 100% – you may find the kids act better because you’re not fighting. You’ve heard the old joke:

Patient: “Doctor, it hurts when I do that
”

Doctor: “Well, don’t do that anymore.”

Huddle Up Question

Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What are some strategies you can use when you are having a difficult time getting along with someone?”

More Resources

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Forgiveness: It’s Not What You Think

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A House Divided

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From “My Wife Hates Me” to “My Wife Loves Me”

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How to Solve Marriage Problems: The 4 Steps to Resolution

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This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman and Nan Silver. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.

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What are the most common causes of disagreement in a marriage? How can you handle disagreement peacefully and effectively?

According to relationship researcher John Gottman, you’ll encounter two categories of disagreement in your marriage: solvable problems and perpetual problems. As their name implies, solvable problems are relatively simple issues that you can fix.

Here’s how to solve marriage problems in a calm and tactful manner.

Solvable Marriage Problems

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work , relationship researcher John Gottman (along with co-author Nan Silver) explains how to solve marriage problems that are solvable :

Step 1: Adjust the beginning . If you begin the conversation negatively, you’re more likely to induce a negative response from your spouse. Instead, begin the conversation calmly. First, describe your emotions about the issue. Avoid making accusatory statements that begin with “you,” generalizing the issue, or passing immediate judgment. Second, express your desires (not what you don’t desire) to your partner.

For example, say that you’re upset because your partner is on their phone during dinner. Don’t say, “I can’t believe you’re on your phone! You never make time for me.” Instead, say, “I’m really upset that you’re on your phone during dinner. I’d like to spend time with you when we’re both focused solely on each other.”

(Shortform note: In Attached , Levine and Heller suggest other ways to adjust the beginning of your conflicts . First, time your discussion for when both of you are calm and collected. If the situation is already volatile, let it simmer down before you attempt an honest, forthright discussion. Second, when expressing your needs, keep in mind that your goal is not to make your partner feel inadequate but merely to express your needs without blaming or judging. This will help you focus on using phrases like “I need” or “I want.” Third, even if you do have a general complaint, use specific examples and concrete language; using generalities leaves room for misunderstandings.) 

Step 2. Practice de-escalation . As we learned previously, a crucial difference between happy and unhappy couples is whether they respond to each other’s de-escalation attempts. Gottman and Silver explain that improving your marital friendship will naturally increase the likelihood that you’ll notice your spouse’s de-escalation attempts, but he also recommends practicing de-escalation. During an argument, if you’re making the attempt, try announcing to your partner that you’re doing so. If you’re listening to the attempt, do your best to receive it and heed your partner’s request. For example, if they say, “I’m making a de-escalation attempt. Can we take a break?” let them do so.

(Shortform note: Other relationship experts warn that you shouldn’t expect your partner to respond positively to your de-escalation attempt . If it doesn’t go over well, don’t get angry with your partner; rather, calm yourself and then evaluate what you could do differently—for example, you might adjust your tone. If you’re the one struggling to accept the de-escalation attempt, try switching your perspective: Look for the good in your partner instead of focusing on their flaws. Finally, after you’ve both calmed down, discuss any failed de-escalation attempts; knowing why they didn’t work will help you find ones that do.) 

Step 3. Calm down . Gottman and Silver note that if you’re feeling flooded, you likely won’t be able to have a productive discussion. So pay attention to your emotional and physical state: If you feel as though you’re about to blow up on your partner or your heart rate rises dramatically, you’re likely flooded. If so, take a 20-minute break to calm yourself. Do something that prevents you from ruminating on your argument; Gottman and Silver suggest physical exercise or meditation.

(Shortform note: Some experts suggest that your attachment style dictates how you respond to a fight . If you’re an anxious attacher, you may be prone to becoming flooded because you’re more highly attuned to the threat the fight poses (your partner leaving you). So it might be particularly important for you to take a break; if you can’t calm yourself, try distracting yourself by watching a TV show. In contrast, if you’re an avoidant attacher, you might resist any efforts to resolve conflict because you want to maintain some emotional distance. So try not to ask your partner for a break unless you really need one; don’t ask for a break as a way to avoid talking about the issue.) 

Once you’ve calmed yourself, try calming your partner . Gottman and Silver explain that if you regularly calm your partner, your partner will connect your presence with a reduction in stress rather than an increase in stress, which will naturally improve your relationship. This does not mean telling your partner to “calm down” mid-argument; this will only anger them further because they’ll feel as though you’re not taking them seriously. Instead, pick a time when you’re not fighting to brainstorm ways to relax each other. Then, after your 20-minute break, do the thing you’ve discussed; giving each other massages is a popular relaxation technique. 

Step 4. Negotiate. Gottman and Silver argue that if you want a happy marriage, you must learn to negotiate a solution that works for both of you. If one of you consistently gives in to your spouse, you’ll breed resentment that damages your marriage. 

To negotiate effectively, first adjust your attitude . You must be willing to hear your partner out, even if you think they’re wrong—otherwise, you won’t be able to have a productive discussion. 

Second, each of you separately should draw two circles , one within the other. In the smaller circle, list everything about the issue that you can’t budge on. In the larger circle, list everything you’re willing to negotiate. Do your best to minimize the list in the smaller circle.

Third, share your circles with each other to negotiate a solution that incorporates both your inner circles. Try this solution for a few weeks; if the problem doesn’t improve, revisit your circles and come up with an alternative solution.

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Darya Sinusoid

Darya’s love for reading started with fantasy novels (The LOTR trilogy is still her all-time-favorite). Growing up, however, she found herself transitioning to non-fiction, psychological, and self-help books. She has a degree in Psychology and a deep passion for the subject. She likes reading research-informed books that distill the workings of the human brain/mind/consciousness and thinking of ways to apply the insights to her own life. Some of her favorites include Thinking, Fast and Slow, How We Decide, and The Wisdom of the Enneagram.

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The Gottman Institute

A research-based approach to relationships

P is for Problems

Zach Brittle, LMHC

John Gottman’s research revealed that about ⅔ of relationship problems are unsolvable. One of my favorite questions for couples is whether that statistic is  discouraging  or encouraging. 

how to solve marriage problems

John Gottman’s research revealed that about ⅔ of relationship problems are unsolvable. One of my favorite questions for couples is whether that statistic is  discouraging  or  encouraging.  Think about that for a second. Does the idea that 69% of your issues are not going away bum you out? Or does it give you hope?

Most couples I know are frustrated by the fact that most of their problems are unsolvable. It’s hard to have the same battles over and over again. My personal bias, however, is that I’m glad to know that we’re normal. My wife and I spent way too much time arguing over the fact that we were having the same fight that we ultimately forgot what we were fighting about in the first place.

Dr. Gottman  has said  that the number one thing that couples fight about is  nothing . I can vouch for this. This past weekend, my wife and I got into an argument over fruit flies. It was really stupid. Later, when our older daughter (age 11) was explaining the argument to her sister (age 7), she said, “It’s never about the fruit flies.” Indeed. What’s it about then?

I think it’s about  perspective  (bonus p-word). If you can accept that many of your problems aren’t going away, then you can focus on what to do about those issues when they come up. As a first step, quit trying to solve the problem. It’s wasted energy. Instead, focus on achieving perspective, empathy, and, ultimately, dialogue.

Think of the problem as a third thing, trying to distract and disgust you — kind of like fruit flies. That third thing is designed to disrupt the comfort of the home, literally bugging you with the accumulation of small annoyances that become an infestation. In the case of fruit flies, there are a bunch of home remedies. We use a glass of red wine covered in saran wrap. But what’s required is that you find the nest and remove it. Best if you do that together —  with  one another..

That’s what dialogue is. It’s a conversation  with  one another — rather than  at  one another — that is designed to reveal the deeper meaning of a particular conflict. Dr. Gottman refers to this as the “dream within conflict.” Whenever the dream or hope or aspiration for the relationship is ignored, problems arise. But when those dreams are revealed and understood and respected, it creates space for the relationship to become more meaningful than the problem.

Dr. Gottman suggests becoming a “Dream Detective.” Try this exercise:

  • Think through some of your perpetual problems. See if you can recognize the patterns within the conversations that you’ve been rehashing over and over without progress.
  • Make up a brief — but new — story that may explain your own dream or position within that particular conflict. What hidden meaning are you trying to express? Is it connected to something in your childhood? Is it rooted in anxiety or fear? Does it stem from a previous relationship expectation?
  • Once you’ve crafted your own narrative, do the same for your partner. Get curious about their dream or position. See if you can articulate what deeper meaning may be there for them.
  • Compare notes after you’ve both done the exercise and see if it doesn’t create new dialogue around an ancient issue.

This process, called Overcoming Gridlock, is one of the  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work . It bears noting that we’ve only addressed perpetual problem solving and that we’re still left with another ⅓ of all problems. These qualify as “solvable problems” and Dr. Gottman recommends, simply, that you solve them. There is, of course, a science and an art to this, but knowing which problems you can solve and which require more patience is a great first step.

I’ll let you guess which one of us is the extrovert and which one is the party-pooper. Suffice to say, we gave up trying to convert one another many years ago. Now we can go out with friends and each settle into our respective roles. We’ve learned to accept and appreciate that we each get something different out of the same environment and that’s okay. By choosing to appreciate our differences — and our dreams — we’ve been able to eliminate the fussing.

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Zach Brittle is a Certified Gottman Therapist, best selling author of The Relationship Alphabet , and host of the highly-rated podcast Marriage Therapy Radio . He has a private practice in Seattle, WA and offers online coaching to couples across the country. He he has been happily married to his wife for 20 of 21 years. Together they have two daughters, a minivan, and most of the silverware they received at their wedding.

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The secret to lasting love might just be knowing how to fight

Andee Tagle

Andee Tagle

Illustration of two people in a romantic relationship seated across from one another at a fancy restaurant. They both appear to be angry about something and have a little dark angry cloud hovering over their respective heads.

If you love someone, learn how to fight with them.

Counterintuitive though it may seem, that's the advice of world-renowned relationship researchers and clinical psychologists Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman.

"Conflict really has a purpose," says John Gottman, "and the purpose is mutual understanding."

In the 40 years they've dedicated to the study and practice of fostering healthy, long-lasting relationships, the Gottmans have found that the happiest and most successful couples don't avoid conflict, fear or anger – they just know how to fight fairly and productively.

The Gottmans' new book, published in January, Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection , is a guide to doing just that. It aims to teach couples "how to have conflicts that don't push them apart but instead produce connection and compassion for one another," says Julie Schwartz Gottman.

Pulling from decades of relationship research and thousands of hours of interviews and therapy sessions with couples, the Gottmans identify some of the most common fights — and offer research-backed solutions for coming out the other side stronger.

1. 'The Flood'

Illustration of a couple, one partner stands in a giant glass of water, barely able to keep their head above water, while the other partner hovers over the top of the glass, pointing at them saying "blah, blah, blah." Then, the partner in the glass says, "Enough, I need a break." The other partner says, "oh, sure." The person in the glass stands up and says "I'm going for a walk. Be back in 30."

What it is: According to the Gottmans, feeling "flooded" is the state of being psychologically and physically overwhelmed during a conflict.

"When you feel deeply attacked and there's no way out, people will move into flight or fight" mode, in which stress hormones course through the body, says Julie Schwartz Gottman. As a result, "they cannot think straight. They cannot hear well. It's a terrible state to be in."

What this conflict looks like in real life: Your friend says something insensitive to your girlfriend over dinner. "You never back me up!" she complains on the way home. "You're supposed to be on my side!"

You try to defend yourself, but she won't let you off the hook. Your heart rate rises. Your palms go sweaty. You turn away and go silent, refusing to respond to anything she has to say.

How to handle this type of conflict: Put your fight on pause, say the Gottmans.

This idea may seem strange for couples who follow the adage "never go to sleep angry." But the Gottmans say if one or both partners are "flooded," taking a break is the best way to keep a bad argument from getting worse.

So the next time you feel your jaw clench or your stomach drop during a spat, stop the discussion and ask your partner to take a break. A pause can be as short as 20 minutes or as long as 24 hours – aim for enough time that you'll both have cooled down, says Julie Schwartz Gottman.

Once you agree on a timeframe, get out of each other's space and – here's the hardest part – don't think about the fight, John Gottman says.

Instead of feeling like a victim, dwelling on what your partner said or planning out your argument, Julie Schwartz Gottman says it's important to spend this time away from your partner doing something self-soothing. Read a book, listen to a podcast, go for a run – do anything that will give your body "a chance to metabolize all the stress hormones" and allow you to come back to the conflict with a calm body and a clear mind, she says.

2. 'The Standoff'

What it is: A "standoff" is a disagreement in which both sides feel they have to "win" the argument, says John Gottman. It's a common problem. In a 2020 study of over 40,000 couples beginning couples therapy, the Gottmans found that 84 percent of the heterosexual couples they interviewed said they were struggling with an inability to compromise.

What it looks like in real life: You and your partner have reached an impasse about where to send your son to school. You feel strongly about the local public school down the street. But your partner wants him to attend private school like he did.

How to handle this type of conflict: To get out of gridlock and find some common ground, the Gottmans suggest doing an exercise they created for couples in therapy who can't find a compromise. They call it the "Bagel Method" – named because of its shape. It's designed to help people in relationships understand the core of their desires in a disagreement and find the validity and beauty in their partner's point of view.

To do the "Bagel Method" exercise, each partner draws two concentric ovals on a piece of paper. In the inside oval, write down what you absolutely cannot compromise on regarding the issue. Write down what you can compromise on in the outside oval.

Two partners involved in a romantic relationship stand on either side of a larger-than-life, hovering bagel, contemplating its meaning. Writing on the bagel says "things you are flexible on." Writing in the middle of the bagel says, "non-negotiable things."

So, the inside oval for you might say: "my son will have a quality education," "he will stay connected to the local community" and "we're supporting public education." Your outside oval might say: "maybe we can move him to private school during high school," "he can get involved in the local community in other ways" and "we can ask him when he's old enough to weigh in on the decision."

Then, compare and contrast your "bagel" with your partner. Ask each other why the things in the inner circle are so important to you. Discuss where your flexible areas overlap and workshop some possible compromises. Here, that might look like sending your son to private school but enrolling him in local after-school soccer, then assessing how things are going after a year.

The Gottmans say after doing this exercise, couples are often surprised by how much flexibility they have and how much compassion this creates between them.

"It's so important to understand that your partner is not your clone. They are a different human being with a different internal world," says Julie Schwartz Gottman. So, conflict is an understandable and healthy part of being in a relationship, say the Gottmans. When it happens, just remember it's possible to "communicate with love and affection, even when you disagree."

3. 'The Bomb Drop' (The Harsh Startup)

Illustration of a couple sitting across from one another at a fancy restaurant. The partner on the left says "mmm, good soup," not realizing that their partner is about to launch into a fight. In the next panel, the partner on the right yells, "You are so selfish! You always think of only yourself, and I don't feel heard!" While the partner on the left stares on in shock.

What it is: This fight is characterized by a harsh startup, attacking your partner with anger and criticism, often out of the blue and without context for the other person, says John Gottman – hence the name.

What this conflict looks like in real life: Let's say you and your partner are trying to save up, but you get the credit card bill and find they've overspent again. As soon as your husband walks through the door you yell, "I can't believe how irresponsible you are!"

How to handle this type of conflict: Starting a conflict with negativity like this often portends poor outcomes, say the Gottmans. In fact, their research shows that the first three minutes of a fight determines not only the way a conversation will go but also the future of a relationship. The 1999 study looked at the behavior of 124 newlywed couples and found that when couples began a fight with negative emotions like criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling, they were very likely to break up down the road.

So if you and your partner want to go the distance, the Gottmans suggest starting your disagreements with a gentler approach. "What that means is you point your finger not at your partner, but at yourself," says John Gottman.

In order to do that, try using the Gottman formula, developed in response to that 1999 study, for soft start-ups: Say: "I feel (emotion) about (situation/problem) and I need (a positive and specific action your partner can take to help improve the situation)."

A couple sits across from one another at a fancy restaurant. Rather than launching into a fight, the partner on the right uses a formula to share her needs, stating "I feel" "situation" "positive need."

So, "You're so irresponsible with money!" transforms into: "I feel really stressed (the emotion) about our budget this month – it looks like we're going to be short again (the situation). Can we sit down together and plan how to cut some of our expenses (the positive need)?"

Hurling blanket accusations or criticisms gives your partner no choice but to go on the defensive. But this approach creates space for your partner to understand the issue and show up for you, says Julie Schwartz Gottman.

The audio portion of this episode was produced by Audrey Nguyen and Clare Marie Schneider. The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We'd love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at [email protected].

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4 Little Ways To Solve Your Marriage Problems Better Than 98% Of Couples

Here's how to not let your problems ruin your marriage..

By Debby Gullery Last updated on Jan 21, 2024

Couple arguing

Relationship problems are common and quite normal, but how a couple deals with them determines their success at problem-solving. 

Most couples spend a lot of time negotiating and problem-solving, simply because there are so many things to negotiate and decide on in a relationship! But just because we do it a lot, doesn't mean that we're good at it — and most of us aren't.

When marriage problems disrupt your peaceful life with your spouse, you want nothing more than to know how to fix a relationship and solve all your problems quickly.

Since this comes up often when I'm coaching couples, I focus on four key areas that can reduce the tension around problems and help people become more effective problem-solvers.

RELATED:  12 Things Marriage Is (And 12 Things It Isn't)

Here are 4 little ways to solve your marriage problems better than most couples:

1. change what you can do, not your partner.

Before asking your partner to change their behavior or their attitude, ask yourself what you could do differently.

For example, you know how sometimes it's the small things that become the big things when you're living 24/7 with someone? Something like that came up for me a few years back, and I knew that I had a few choices in how I could deal with it.

I could talk to my partner about it, which would probably make a small thing escalate into a big thing, or I could try to change my thinking about it.

I chose the latter option and experimented.

My husband had developed a habit of going into the kitchen after dinner and having a banana for his evening snack. And even though he is extremely neat and orderly in every other aspect of his life, he would always leave his banana peel on the counter, even though the garbage can was less than a foot away!

Of course, this might seem pretty insignificant to you, but when this happened night after night, I began to get more and more annoyed about it. So much so, that I began to assume that he had left the banana peel there on purpose, just to drive me crazy!

Then, I had a flash of insight that was twofold:

  • Chances were that my husband had no idea that this little thing was so annoying to me.
  • It was my response to his behavior that was causing the problem.

With this in mind, I began my experiment. On the first night, I went into the kitchen as usual and saw the banana peel. But, this time, I called out to him, "Honey! You left the banana peel on the counter! I love it when you do that! It's so cute."

Now I don’t know how he responded to this, as he was in the living room at the time. But I continued to do this for about a week, and guess what happened? I began to feel my attitude shifting until my husband's annoying behavior actually morphed into an endearing little quirk.

The experiment was a success and we never had to talk about it!

RELATED:  7 Truths About Marriage That Couples Who Stay Together For Life Already Know

2. Seek mutual understanding first

Of course, there will be many times when couples will need to come to a consensus about important issues . How can they be effective problem-solvers when they don't agree with each other?

A good rule of thumb is to always seek understanding first. In other words, never try to solve a problem until it has been thoroughly discussed and each partner understands why the other one thinks and feels the way they do.

Since we often skip this one, we make assumptions that are inaccurate and can create more disagreements.

3. Choose the right timing

Timing is everything. Choose the time for discussions around problems carefully. Don't have one as you're running out the door to work, or during the commercial break of your partner's favorite TV show.

Being tired, stressed, or distracted when dealing with problems is a recipe for disaster. Make sure both of you are relaxed, and comfortable, and have plenty of time.

RELATED:  8 Signs The Person You're Dating Is 'Marriage Material'

4. Choose your words

Eliminate the following phrases from your vocabulary:

  • "You never..."
  • "You always..."
  • "You should..."
  • "You shouldn’t..."
  • "I’ll try..." (This usually means you'll make a half-hearted effort but won’t quite succeed.)

It’s easy to see why using these phrases is unhelpful because we don’t like it at all when our partners have used them on us!

What about those irreconcilable differences? For these unsolvable problems, an attitude shift can be especially helpful.

When irreconcilable differences do come up, we often put our energy into trying to get our partners to agree with us. What if we asked this question instead: "What can we do to protect the rest of our relationship from this unsolvable problem?"

This puts us on the same team, instead of on opposite sides, and opens us up to more possibilities and better solutions.

Whatever we invest our energy into is what grows.

Winning an argument at the expense of our unity doesn't serve us, and being right about something is largely overrated, especially in relationships. A more effective approach is simply to ask ourselves, "What can I do to ease the tension and make a positive impact?"

This attitude adjustment eliminates the blame game, puts us in the driver's seat, and moves us towards connection .

When it comes to dealing with problems as a couple, our attitudes matter and largely determine our success. We can choose to get upset and blame our partners, or we can ask ourselves what we can do to foster communication, understanding, and cooperation.

We are always in charge of our behavior and responses, and when we approach our problems as a team, we are stronger, saner, and more successful.

RELATED:  25 Couples Married 15+ Years Reveal The Secret To Their Marriage

Debby Gullery  is a speaker and relationship coach with over 25 years of experience coaching and teaching relationship and marriage seminars. She is the author of  Small Steps to Bigger Love .

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Marriage Sharing | Married as One LLC

Don't let the #1 Cause of Divorce Ruin You Marriage

Marriage Sharing Vigazine

20 Common Marriage Problems - How to Solve Them

  • Selfishness
  • Unforgiveness
  • Defensiveness
  • Unfaithfulness
  • Lack of attention
  • Lack of investment
  • Lack of support
  • Lack of self-improvement
  • Lack of empathy
  • Lack of knowledge

Marriage Problems and Solutions for Christians

When I got married 14 years ago, I did what many couples do that were going through marriage problems.

I googled solutions. And, honestly, at that time, finding solutions to common marriage problems from a Christian worldview was quite challenging. 

This article offers Cristian options and solutions to Christian problems. 

Even marriages that appear to be perfect, will have marriage issues.

Having problems in marriage isn’t the biggest problem. 

The biggest problem is not knowing how to communicate through these problems so that you discover the solution.

Poor marriage communication is the root cause of many marital problems. 

This is why I recommend pre-marriage counseling.

Counseling often provides the communication tools couples need to have a healthy marriage .

If your marriage has problems on this list, that are not being worked on consistently, then your marriage may be in trouble. 

Learn how to navigate and overcome the hurdles presented by common marriage problems, starting with this essential resource.

However, here is a comprehensive list that you should seriously study. Study this list to learn the common causes of marriage problems faced by married couples, and learn to consistently apply the solutions offered. 

Doing so will ensure that problems in your marriage don’t eventually lead to divorce. The goal isn’t learning how to, never have marriage problems. 

The goal is to learn how to quickly and clearly identify your marriage problems. 

Once identified, learn how to fairly and respectfully resolve them.

Keep in mind that many problems in  marriage  . 

How to Solve Marriage Problems 

1.)  Selfishness  

”Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” Philippians 2:3-5 

If I had to choose two of the most common marriage problems I have observed leading to more divorces than I can count, selfishness, would definitely be tied at #1. 

The sad thing about this marital problem is, that we are often barely aware that it’s happening. After all, if they love you, they should do ‘this and they should do ‘that’ right? 

The problem with that way of thinking is, spouses tend to fail to follow the model shown by the relationship between Jesus and the church. Jesus’ relationship with the church wasn’t based on what He was getting.

Jesus’ relationship with the church was based on what He was giving. 

A relationship is FOR giving. (pun intended) 

There is absolutely no way to escape having marital problems when selfishness is overbearing. 

I have to say overbearing since, as imperfect beings, we also can’t escape thinking of the ‘self’ more than the two ‘selfs’ in marriage from time to time. 

Communication in marriage is by far, the most important skill spouses need to have a married life with fewer marital problems. 

But, can you imagine how difficult marriage communication would be with a selfish spouse?

Husbands and wives  are called to mutually submit to each other’s wants and needs. 

Get this book Free:  20 Common Marriage Problems . 

A submission where spouses are mutually committed to meeting the godly aligned desires of each other. 

What’s the common problem with selfishness in marriage? 

One spouse usually ends up prioritizing their desires, expectations or needs over the other spouse. 

 As a result, the spouse who is not being prioritized tends to feel unloved, unimportant, or even resentful. What’s the solution? 

Keep in mind that marriage isn’t solely about you, it’s about you two. 

Another way of saying that is, “marriage isn’t about me, it’s about we.”

Jesus’ relationship with the church is meant to be an earthly example of a heavenly union, seek to copy that. 

how to solve marriage problems

”For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world.” 1 John 2:16

Pride ends more marriages than deaths do.

Pride is tied at #1 for the most common marriage problem.

If you ever wondered, ”What causes lack of communication in marriage,” pride is definitely a  top  answer.

Pride leads to many marriage communication problems because pride gets us to blame our spouse, for things we should be solely blamed for.

Pride causes marriage issues because, oftentimes, spouses refuse to admit their wrongs.

When we refuse to admit wrongs long enough, those wrongs continue in our marriage unfixed.

Imagine being married to a verbally abusive wife. Now imagine that spouse refusing to say, ”I’m sorry.”

Imagine the problems you will have in your marriage when you feel that it’s always your fault for issues in your marriage and rarely the fault of your spouse.

Dealing with the problem of pride (solution): Understand that no one who walks this earth’s surface is perfect.

Everyone has sins they need to work on by having a relationship with Jesus.

Look at your faults as an opportunity to improve who you are, not an opportunity to make you feel bad about who you are.

If you are dealing with an extremely prideful spouse, put them around groups or a community of people that can hold them accountable.

3.)  Unforgiveness  

”And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” Mark 11:25

It’s amazing to me how unforgiving spouses can be. 

Especially, when as imperfect humans we constantly need forgiveness for our sins daily. 

As Christians how can you consistently sin against our God and expect forgiveness while stubbornly holding a grudge against your spouse? 

If you’re not Christian, you would at least agree that no one is perfect, and because of that, everyone will make mistakes. 

How many mistakes have you made against your spouse? Here is a better question. 

How many times have you repeated the same ”mistake” that you were asking forgiveness for? 

”How do I prevent unforgiveness from causing marriage problems?”  Solution: Learn to apply the same grace given to us by Jesus, to our spouse. 

How do you do that practically? 

First, keep in mind that you constantly cause issues in your marriage that your spouse has to forgive you for. Secondly, have patience.

 It often takes time to get better. It often takes time to do better. 

Take it day by day.

 Lastly, pray that God changes your hearts.

Learn the skills necessary to limit these common marriages problems from becoming marriage-ending problems by reading this. 

4.)  Negativity

 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:34

Here is what sometimes sucks about married life, and what makes it difficult to have a happy married life.

Dealing with a very negative spouse. ”Why does having a negative spouse cause marriage issues?”  

Negativity creates an environment that isn’t pleasant to be around. 

When married couples no longer enjoy being around each other, the married couples become unmarried couples. 

The solution to this common marriage problem: Pray for your spouse. Get them more involved in church. Put them around positive people. 

It isn’t wise to address their negativity directly. It is usually an internal issue that the spouse has to deal with.

worst marriage problems

5.)  Denial

 ”Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name.” Psalm 86:11

No one likes to hear that their baby is ugly! 

I don’t mean to be cruel. 

What I mean about that statement is, that we usually don\’t like to hear the truth about ourselves.

We rather cling to what makes us feel good. Denial leads to married life problems. 

There’s no denying that. Denial makes you blind to your imperfections.

In a way, you can say denial is a distant ‘cousin’ to pride in the sense that there is a blindness to one’s faults. 

When there is that blindness, it becomes impossible to work on it, leading to your spouse suffering.

Working on denial(solution): Becoming a better spouse often means being faced with areas in your life where you are not so great.

 Learn to embrace truth. 

6.) Insecurity  

”The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” John 10:10″

Troubles in marriage caused by insecurity rarely have to do with our spouse. 

Typically, that insecurity that is giving your  marriage problems was caused by whoever you dated  before your spouse. 

Let me guess. You dated someone that cheated, or lied frequently? That led to your heart being broken? 

What you didn’t realize is that you didn’t learn to fully trust again. 

Because of that, you now project your past insecurities in your current marriage. Your dating problem shouldn’t be your married problem. 

Faith Biblically speaking can be defined as, ”trust in light of the evidence.”

 In other words, you trust something based on the reliability of what you have seen so far.

For example, you have a car, get in the car, start the car, and drive that car to work five days a week. 

If for some reason, you had to go to work on that 6th day, based on the light of evidence (car starting up the previous 5 days) you have no reason to reasonably believe that your car wouldn\’t start on that 6th day.

 I say that to say this, you deal with insecurities causing your marriage issues by understanding that it is your spouse’s consistency of character that should ease your insecurities. 

Your past should not be projected on your spouse.

7.)  Defensiveness  

what are the causes of problems in marriage

”Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid.\” Proverbs 12:1 

Defensive listening is a poor habit to form in marriage. 

Defensive listening has no place in a loving marriage. You have to be able to tell your spouse that they are doing something that hurts you without them getting defensive. 

The challenges many married couples face in marriage are not being able to share a fault with their spouse without their spouse getting defensive and someone turning it around on them. 

Turning it around on them may include playing the ‘blame game’, playing ‘victim’, or giving the silent treatment.

All these examples are examples of defensiveness because instead of at least considering what your spouse is saying to you, you immediately go into attack mode. 

Prevent this from being your marital problem (solution):  When your spouse attempts to talk to you about something that you are doing wrong, don’t immediately go on attack mode. Instead, PAUSE.

 Pause, and consider what you are hearing. What your spouse is telling you isn’t an attack on your entire character. What your spouse is telling you is simply one thing about you that can become better. 

8.)  Unfaithfulness  

”Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:5″

Unfortunately, cheating happens in marriage. It sucks, and in a perfect world, with perfect people, it wouldn’t happen. 

Cheating shouldn’t happen, no person deserves to feel that type of heartbreak.

However, for this article, I want to take an unpopular approach.

I’m not taking this approach simply to be controversial. 

This perspective needs to be addressed. I am going to attempt to defend the person cheating.

The Bible makes it clear that spouses should NOT refrain from having sex with each other. 

Because then, Satan will tempt you with sex. 

Stop. Don’t rebuttal. Just seek to understand. 

There is no excuse for cheating, but, there are often reasons people cheat that we can empathize with. 

It doesn’t make cheating right. 

It just makes it more understandable. 

I remember hearing a story about a woman who ended up having 5 children and was forced to give up her life (career and educational pursuits) to be a stay-at-home mom and raise her children. 

Fortunately, the father, her husband, was financially established and could support his family with ease.

 So, what led to the wife’s cheating?

 The husband worked too much, wasn’t affectionate, didn’t help with chores in the house, rarely provided support with daily tasks involving the kids, and basically had the perception that all he had to do was provide financially. 

The husband believed that having his family need for nothing financially was all he had to do.

 The wife patiently tried to get her husband to feel how overwhelmed she felt. 

The wife constantly expressed to her husband how alone she felt. She patiently and consistently shared how unloved and undesired she felt. 

Her husband gave her feelings no serious consideration. Wait! That’s no excuse to cheat. You’re right. By excuse, we define it to mean something similar to making that ”wrong, a right.” 

No, there is no excuse. 

But there was a reason. And by reason, I mean “something that causes something to occur.” 

Sure, she could have just left her husband. She could have taken her and her five kids and attempted to start a life independent of her husband. 

It would have been extremely difficult, but it could have been done.

As imperfect humans, do we always think of the most righteous thing to do? 

Or do we usually think of dealing with the pain that we are currently feeling with some sort of immediate pleasure?

 Husbands and wives cheating is NOT okay, but it happens, unfortunately, and we need to talk solve that marital problem by thoroughly addressing that reason.

Solution? That Scripture speaks loud enough. 

Husbands shall not deny wives the affection she needs from her husband. Nothing is a substitute for that. 

Wives shall not deny husbands their physical intimacy. 

There is no substitute for that. 

Marriage Communication Problems 

9.)  Secrecy  

top 3 marriage problems

”Would not God discover this? For he knows the secrets of the heart.” Psalm 44:21″

Everyone has secrets, right?

Since everyone has secrets, why shouldn’t you have yours? 

Having that mentality is what leads to marriage problems. 

Problems in a marriage are rarely new problems.

Sometimes those problems are problems that never get a chance to be talked about. 

Many people think truth ends marriages.

I personally believe that lies have destroyed way more marriages than truth has. 

Ending your struggles in marriage may be as simple as preventing yourself from keeping secrets. 

After all, if your action is something that has to be hidden, why commit the act in the first place? 

Ending secrecy in marriage (solution)- It’s not easy being vulnerable right? 

It’s not easy sharing a secret with someone knowing that the secret you share can be used against you. 

 But, married couples biblically speaking, are one flesh. 

That truth alone reveals a level of intimacy that is to be sought after by married couples. 

We may not ever fully arrive at that destination, but we are to head in that direction.

 Take it day by day. 

Perhaps, reveal something new to your spouse every week, and you two talk about it. 

depression and marriage

10.)  Lies  

”Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.” Colossians 3:9-10

Lies destroy trust in a marriage. Lies destroy marriages. 

”It’s just a little lie,” spouses say. 

Yet, if that same ”little” lie was told to them, they would be outraged. 

The solution to lying is simple. Keep in mind that, ”honesty is the best policy.” Honesty doesn’t have to hurt your spouse’s feelings. 

Find different  being honest . 

You sure can tell your spouse that their breath stinks. Or, you can say, ”sweetie your breath isn’t pleasant right now.” 

11.)  Sex  

”How beautiful you are and how pleasing, my love, with your delights!  Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit. ”

 Song of Solomon 7:6

That specific verse in my opinion, wisely addresses many common marriage problems relating to sex in marriage.

That verse is talking about how excited a husband is about his wife before sex.

 I don’t know of one married couple who has ever had marriage issues because their spouse was excited to have sex with them.

 Husbands want to be desired by their wives. 

Wives want to be desired by their husbands. How do you solve sexual marriage problems? 

Do not deprive each other of feeling desirable. Simple, yet, pretty deep. Just in case you missed it, making sure that your spouse consistently feels desired is the solution. 

12.)  Revenge  

”Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” Romans 12:19

We are such sinful creatures. When we feel hurt, what do we want to do? 

We want the one that hurt us to hurt too.

Married couples who are focused on revenge instead of improving themselves in marriage for each other won’t have a happy marriage life. 

What do you do instead of getting revenge? (solution) 

You pray that God removes that urge in you. 

You realize that if God exercised revenge on you, that you would be in hell. 

Thank God for His Grace that covers our past, present, and future sins. 

13.)  Lack of Attention 

”Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,\” Ephesians 5:25 

You focus on the things you care about. 

Someone who cares a lot about fitness spends a lot of time at the gym. 

Some who care a lot about their career spend a lot of time working.

There is no excuse for the one you are in union with not getting that same attention and focus. 

Taking your spouse for granted is how spouses often lose focus on their spouse.

Don’t make this a marriage problem you commonly face in your marriage.

 Solution: “shower’ your spouse daily with your undivided attention, aka focus. 

14.)  Lack of Investment: 

”The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.” 2 Corinthians 9:6″

What exactly are you doing to help your marriage flourish? 

Solution– Take active steps. You can go to marriage conferences. You could read a marriage book. You can listen to a marriage podcast. All these actions show investment in your marriage. 

15.)  Lack of Support 

”So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Matthew 19:6″mark

It’s easy for married couples to support each other when there is a death of a loved one. 

It’s easy for us as spouses to support each other when something else traumatic happens. 

How about we support each other daily, with the simple day-to-day tasks? 

Problems in the marriage often occur because one spouse feels like they are alone in the day-to-day upkeep of raising children, or household chores.

 Don’t make that a problem in your married life. Solution– Be mindful of what your spouse goes through on a day-to-day basis, and be empathetic. Sometimes just asking, ”how was your day,” is enough. 

16.)  Lack of Self-Improvement 

”For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Romans 3:23 

You”re not perfect. Neither is your spouse. And guess what? Even if you two go on to be married 40 years, you still won ‘t achieve perfection. 

The least you can do for the person stuck with you for four decades is to try to get better every day, in very specific, purposeful ways. 

The solution is to consistently ‘upgrade’ yourself for your spouse. 

17.)  Lack of Empathy 

”Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

Why is it, that when something happens to us, we want to be understood and sympathized with? 

Yet, when something happens to others, we are quick to condemn?

 Jesus, have mercy on us. Sometimes your spouse doesn’t need or want your judgment, rebuttal, or solution. 

They just need you to feel what they are going through.

 If they get cut, you say ouch. That’s the idea behind empathy. Being understanding is how you prevent the lack of empathy from being a marital problem. (solution)

 18.)  Lack of Knowledge

 ”If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” James 1:5″

Investing in your marriage should lead you to be more knowledgeable about different aspects of your marriage.

Would you like to be a more romantic person in your marriage? 

Do you find being romantic one of the challenges you face in marriage? 

Great, you identified a common marriage problem many married couples have. 

Watch videos on being romantic in marriage .

 Read books that talk about romance. Go to a conference where the theme is igniting passion in your marriage. 

Solution: Keep learning how to turn your weaknesses in your marriage, into strengths. 

19.)  Silence

 ”Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.” Proverbs 17:28

If you keep silent to prevent yourself from saying something unkind to your spouse, then great. I applaud you for your wisdom and restraint. 

However, if you are the type of spouse to keep silent because you don’t like, or don’t want to talk about marriage issues, then, your silence is one of the worse forms of common marriage problems. 

Solution: Learn when to speak, and when to be silent. Work on developing a healthy balance. 

20.)  Disrespect 

”Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Ephesians 4:29″

Often, disrespect is a marital issue because one spouse doesn’t agree with how the other spouse thinks or feels about a particular problem in their marriage. 

Instead of learning to work through those differences, the spouses choose to disrespect each other’s views. 

Who says your view is right, to begin with? 

You assume you’re right, and by default, your spouse is wrong then proceed to belittle their viewpoint. 

Solution- You need to keep in mind what type of husband or wife you desire to be. Do you want to be known as a disrespectful spouse?

 If not, learn to work through those differences in a way that doesn’t automatically display that your spouse is less than. 

Learn the skills necessary to limit these common marriage problems from becoming marriage-ending problems.

Check out a more solution focused approach below.

Addressing Common Relationship Challenges

Every marriage faces its fair share of challenges.

However, being aware of these common problems and addressing them proactively can help couples overcome them and prevent their escalation into bigger issues.

One of the most prevalent challenges in a marriage is unrealistic expectations.

Many couples enter into marriage with preconceived notions of what their partner should be like or how their relationship should unfold.

These unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointment and frustration.

It is essential to have open and honest conversations about expectations and work together to find common ground.

Financial problems are another common challenge faced by many married couples.

Money is often a sensitive topic, and disagreements about finances can strain a relationship.

Open and transparent communication about financial goals, budgeting, and spending habits is crucial.

It is essential for couples to work as a team and make financial decisions together, considering each other’s perspectives and finding compromises that work for both parties.

Managing Unrealistic Expectations

Unrealistic expectations can be detrimental to a marriage.

When we enter into a marital union, it is essential to understand that our partner is not perfect and will have flaws.

Expecting our partner to meet all our emotional, physical, and intellectual needs can put undue pressure on the relationship.

Instead, it is important to accept and appreciate our partner for who they are, while also supporting each other’s growth and personal development.

Moreover, managing unrealistic expectations requires effective communication.

It is necessary to express our needs and desires clearly, while also being open to compromise and understanding our partner’s limitations.

Regular check-ins and discussions about expectations can help maintain a healthy balance in the relationship and prevent misunderstandings.

Overcoming Financial Hurdles in Marriage

Financial issues can wreak havoc on a marriage if not addressed appropriately.

It is crucial for couples to develop a solid financial plan and work together towards their financial goals.

Here are some strategies to overcome financial hurdles in marriage:

  • Create a budget: Sit down together and create a comprehensive budget that includes all income, expenses, and savings goals. This will help both partners have a clear understanding of the financial situation and make informed decisions.
  • Communicate openly about money: Discussing financial matters openly and regularly is essential. This includes being honest about debts, financial concerns, and goals. By maintaining open lines of communication, couples can work together towards financial stability.
  • Set financial goals together: Establishing shared financial goals can motivate couples to work towards a common objective. Whether it’s saving for a house, planning for retirement, or paying off debt, having a clear vision can help align efforts and make financial decisions easier.
  • Seek professional help if needed: In some cases, couples may find it beneficial to seek the guidance of a financial advisor or counselor. These professionals can provide expert advice and help navigate complex financial situations.

Remember, overcoming financial hurdles requires patience, understanding, and teamwork.

By working together, couples can overcome financial challenges and build a stronger foundation for their marriage.

Keys to a Happy Marriage

A happy marriage is built on a foundation of love, trust, and mutual respect.

While every relationship is unique, there are certain key elements that contribute to marital happiness.

Let’s explore some of these keys to a happy marriage:

  • Effective communication: Communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. It involves not only expressing one’s thoughts and feelings but also actively listening to one’s partner. Good communication allows for understanding, compromise, and the resolution of conflicts.
  • Physical intimacy: Physical intimacy plays a vital role in a happy marriage. It is a way for couples to connect emotionally and physically, strengthening their bond. Expressing love through physical touch, gestures, and intimacy helps foster a deep sense of connection and intimacy.
  • Quality time together: Spending quality time together is essential for maintaining a happy marriage. It allows couples to nurture their relationship, create shared memories, and strengthen their emotional connection. Whether it’s date nights, weekend getaways, or simply enjoying each other’s company at home, carving out dedicated time for each other is crucial.
  • Healthy communication: Healthy communication involves not only expressing positive emotions but also effectively addressing conflicts and disagreements. It is important to address issues as they arise, rather than letting them fester and create resentment. This can be done by practicing active listening, empathy, and finding mutually agreeable solutions.

Thriving in Married Life

Thriving in married life requires dedication, effort, and a willingness to adapt and grow together.

Here are some strategies that can help couples thrive in their married life:

  • Appreciating the little things: Small gestures of love and appreciation can go a long way in nurturing a relationship. Simple acts like saying “thank you,” leaving a sweet note, or surprising your partner with their favorite treat can make a significant difference.
  • Balancing social media: In today’s digital age, it is important to strike a balance between spending quality time with your partner and engaging in social media. Setting boundaries and designating device-free time can help create a deeper connection and prevent feelings of neglect.
  • Seeking professional help: If communication issues, intimacy issues, or other relationship problems persist, seeking professional help can be beneficial. Marriage counselors or therapists can provide guidance and support to help couples navigate through difficult times and strengthen their relationship.
  • Celebrating milestones: Celebrating milestones, both big and small, is an excellent way to keep the spark alive in a marriage. Whether it’s a wedding anniversary, a promotion at work, or a personal achievement, acknowledging and celebrating these milestones together can create a sense of joy and shared accomplishment.

In conclusion, marriage problems are a natural part of every relationship, but they can be overcome with patience, understanding, and hard work.

By maintaining open lines of communication, managing expectations, addressing financial issues, and nurturing the emotional connection, couples can navigate through the challenges and build a happy and fulfilling married life.

Remember, a successful marriage is a continuous journey of growth and discovery.

Embrace the difficulties and celebrate the joys, knowing that with commitment and love, you can overcome any obstacle that comes your way.

Looking for a marriage problems pdf or paperback?

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Solving Problems Together in the Marriage  

The way couples tackle problems reveals a lot about their relationship.  Working together to constructively solve problems reduces stress and increases the strength of the marriage.  Developing good problem-solving skills helps couples decide how to respond to problems together.

Everyone solves problems on a daily basis, yet we rarely stop to consider how we arrived at the solution.  Problems couples encounter include minor inconveniences, such as a missing pair of car keys, to major problems such as facing foreclosure or bankruptcy.  Take notice of how you have solved some recent problems together.  Do you tend to ignore problems?  Does one person typically do all the problem-solving?  Do you seek advice from extended family or friends?  Or do you talk about problems and form solutions together?

A good first step to solving any problem is defining the problem.  This step can help clarify the issue.  Perhaps you and your partner have been arguing about money and you think the problem is that your partner spends too much.  Your partner thinks the problem is that you do not work enough.  Discussing this can help you to develop common ground to define the problem as “we are not able to pay the bills this month.”  Once the problem is defined, you can both take responsibility for your part of the problem and work on developing solutions together.

Once the problem is defined, brainstorm possible solutions.  Most problems have many possible solutions.  Taking time to think of several ideas can help develop creative solutions.

Once you have a list of potential solutions, develop a list of the pors and cons of each one.  Thinking ahead about potential consequences helps couples plan ahead.  Discuss your concerns about each options.

After a thorough discussion, decide which option to pick.  If you disagree on the best solution, don’t give up.  Continue discussing the options.  Listen to your partner’s concerns.  If it is a problem that can wait, agree to keep thinking about the options.  If your first solution does not work out the way you had hoped, try another option.  Re-visiting potential solutions and establishing a new plan can lead to a solution.

Working together to solve problems can help couples develop creative opportunities.  Difficulties working together as a team causes arguments and resentment.  Couples struggling to solve problems together can seek therapy to help improve their problem-solving skills.

Related Posts

  • Different Approaches to Problem Solving
  • How Identifying Problems Can Help The Marriage
  • Dealing with Sexual Problems in the Marriage
  • Problems that Contribute to a Sexless Marriage
  • What Kind of Problems Can Marriage Counseling Help With?

This article was written by Amy Morin, LCSW , and posted on Monday, March 14th, 2011 at 6:53 pm. It is filed under Marriage . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

One Response to “Solving Problems Together in the Marriage”

It’s really important to always communicate because through it you will overcome difficulties and problems. This article is very informative. Thanks for sharing.

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How to solve the most common relationship problems

Posted: November 22, 2023 | Last updated: November 22, 2023

<p>Intimate relationships take a lot of work, and even the strongest ones run into problems sometimes. With both of you tired from work, in-laws getting on your nerves, or the <a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/lifestyle/439927/life-skills-parents-can-teach-their-children-for-success" rel="noopener">kids</a> in trouble at school, these are all normal factors that can cause some trouble in a relationship. But life will never cease to throw all kinds of challenges at you—it just takes effort to work through them. Relationships only survive when people have the capacity to find shared ground, commit to one another, and overcome challenges.</p> <p>So take a look at the most common relationship problems couples tend to have, and discover how you and your partner can work together towards a happy and healthy relationship.</p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/177433?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287v2en-en"> 11 cities around the world that may run out of water</a></p>

Intimate relationships take a lot of work, and even the strongest ones run into problems sometimes. With both of you tired from work, in-laws getting on your nerves, or the kids in trouble at school, these are all normal factors that can cause some trouble in a relationship. But life will never cease to throw all kinds of challenges at you—it just takes effort to work through them. Relationships only survive when people have the capacity to find shared ground, commit to one another, and overcome challenges.

So take a look at the most common relationship problems couples tend to have, and discover how you and your partner can work together towards a happy and healthy relationship.

You may also like: 11 cities around the world that may run out of water

<p>Lack of trust doesn't always relate to infidelity. It can appear anytime and constantly create doubt between partners. To work past this, both should work on being consistent and trustworthy. Call when you say you’ll call, and never lie. Showing respect also helps to build trust.</p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

Lack of trust

Lack of trust doesn't always relate to infidelity. It can appear anytime and constantly create doubt between partners. To work past this, both should work on being consistent and trustworthy. Call when you say you’ll call, and never lie. Showing respect also helps to build trust.

<p>Life can sometimes be too much and overwhelm you. Whatever the reason, it can put a strain on your relationship. When this happens, lean on each other for support. </p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

Overwhelming

Life can sometimes be too much and overwhelm you. Whatever the reason, it can put a strain on your relationship. When this happens, lean on each other for support. 

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<p>When you have a lot of things going on, it can be easy to take your partner for granted. Make time for each other every single day, even if you're busy. Don't forget to also text regularly throughout the day. </p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/219788?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> Royals caught off-guard</a></p>

Not prioritizing each other

When you have a lot of things going on, it can be easy to take your partner for granted. Make time for each other every single day, even if you're busy. Don't forget to also text regularly throughout the day. 

<p>Money is a leading cause of stress in relationships. One of the tips to fix issues regarding finances is to have a serious conversation about money. Figure out what your budget is and stick to it. Also, work out a financial plan for the future and the steps you need to take together. </p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

Money stress

Money is a leading cause of stress in relationships. One of the tips to fix issues regarding finances is to have a serious conversation about money. Figure out what your budget is and stick to it. Also, work out a financial plan for the future and the steps you need to take together. 

You may also like: Royals caught off-guard

<p>It's normal for us to change as we move through life. And changing once shared priorities can cause a lot of conflicts. Look for common ground, and find a compromise that you are both happy with.</p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/221733?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> Epic celebrity falls</a></p>

Changing priorities

It's normal for us to change as we move through life. And changing once shared priorities can cause a lot of conflicts. Look for common ground, and find a compromise that you are both happy with.

<p>Children require a lot of attention and effort. This can cause a strain on the relationship, especially when partners disagree on how to raise them. Talk to your partner about why they think something should be done differently, and share your opinion. This will help you understand each other. </p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

Children require a lot of attention and effort. This can cause a strain on the relationship, especially when partners disagree on how to raise them. Talk to your partner about why they think something should be done differently, and share your opinion. This will help you understand each other. 

You may also like: Epic celebrity falls

<p>It's easy to lose your temper when it feels like you're the only one taking out the trash or doing the dishes. Agree together on who is responsible for what, and stick to it. Of course, a little flexibility should be factored in when someone is busier than usual. </p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/221847?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> The Last Supper: famous final feasts</a></p>

It's easy to lose your temper when it feels like you're the only one taking out the trash or doing the dishes. Agree together on who is responsible for what, and stick to it. Of course, a little flexibility should be factored in when someone is busier than usual. 

<p>Problems with intimacy can be stressful and have a big impact on your relationship. It's important to have a serious talk and carve out time for you to be both emotionally and physically close. </p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

Different intimacy needs

Problems with intimacy can be stressful and have a big impact on your relationship. It's important to have a serious talk and carve out time for you to be both emotionally and physically close. 

You may also like: The Last Supper: famous final feasts

<p>Being taken for granted is one of the biggest reasons for breakups. Make sure you show appreciation, because that's what keeps us motivated and committed. </p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/225345?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> Cringeworthy moments when celebrities called out their interviewers</a></p>

Lack of appreciation

Being taken for granted is one of the biggest reasons for breakups. Make sure you show appreciation, because that's what keeps us motivated and committed. 

<p>A partner’s addiction can cause a significant effect on the family and couple's overall happiness. Counseling and therapy can be enormously helpful as it helps both partners deal with the issues that inevitably arise.</p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

A partner’s addiction can cause a significant effect on the family and couple's overall happiness. Counseling and therapy can be enormously helpful as it helps both partners deal with the issues that inevitably arise.

You may also like: Cringeworthy moments when celebrities called out their interviewers

<p>Infidelity means various things to different people. Talking about what infidelity is for you and your partner is important. However, when it has happened, the couple can try to regain trust and rebuild, or end the relationship. </p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/246349?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> The alcoholic beverage of choice in all 50 states</a></p>

Infidelity means various things to different people. Talking about what infidelity is for you and your partner is important. However, when it has happened, the couple can try to regain trust and rebuild, or end the relationship. 

<p>When we get into a relationship, we want to share everything with the one we love. But this can lead to feelings of losing one’s individuality and freedom. Think of areas that you want to keep to yourself, like a hobby or sport. Explain this to your partner, so they don't feel rejected. </p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

Over-involvement

When we get into a relationship, we want to share everything with the one we love. But this can lead to feelings of losing one’s individuality and freedom. Think of areas that you want to keep to yourself, like a hobby or sport. Explain this to your partner, so they don't feel rejected. 

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<p>When there is a critical difference in core values and the way partners approach life, then conflict is bound to happen. To solve this, you need to reflect on what kind of changes you both need to make in order for the relationship to survive. </p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/289671?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> When the royals turn heads because of their legs</a></p>

Significant differences

When there is a critical difference in core values and the way partners approach life, then conflict is bound to happen. To solve this, you need to reflect on what kind of changes you both need to make in order for the relationship to survive. 

<p>Some signs of jealousy include asking for your whereabouts, distrusting you, checking up on you, or distancing you. If your partner is jealous, try to be transparent, predictable, and honest. Give them time to trust you. But for this to be solved, they need to make an effort to change their behavior. </p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

Some signs of jealousy include asking for your whereabouts, distrusting you, checking up on you, or distancing you. If your partner is jealous, try to be transparent, predictable, and honest. Give them time to trust you. But for this to be solved, they need to make an effort to change their behavior. 

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<p>Drifting apart can happen slowly, and you won't even notice it until you wake up one day and realize that you haven't been intimate for a long time. So when you notice the signs, it is time to act. Make time for each other to reconnect. </p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/291814?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> Social situations that introverts dread</a></p>

Growing apart

Drifting apart can happen slowly, and you won't even notice it until you wake up one day and realize that you haven't been intimate for a long time. So when you notice the signs, it is time to act. Make time for each other to reconnect. 

<p>Having unrealistic expectations is normal for humans. However, this can lead to tons of misunderstandings and frustration. Ask yourself, what is it you feel entitled to? When you understand what your expectations are, and your partner doesn't meet them, then you can ask for different wishes.</p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

Unrealistic expectations

Having unrealistic expectations is normal for humans. However, this can lead to tons of misunderstandings and frustration. Ask yourself, what is it you feel entitled to? When you understand what your expectations are, and your partner doesn't meet them, then you can ask for different wishes.

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<p>Lack of support from a partner can lead to feelings of loneliness and anxiety. Talking about what we need and what we can provide will clear the air around a lot of issues. This way your partner can work on being the main pillars of encouragement and comfort again.</p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/294009?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> Take flight for a brief history of aviation</a></p>

Lack of support

Lack of support from a partner can lead to feelings of loneliness and anxiety. Talking about what we need and what we can provide will clear the air around a lot of issues. This way your partner can work on being the main pillars of encouragement and comfort again.

<p>When one of the partners avoids taking responsibility, it can cause severe damage to the partnership. Responsibility needs to be distributed equally. But to address it, don't play the blame game. Also, if the change is to be long-lasting, it needs to happen gradually.</p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

Lack of responsibility

When one of the partners avoids taking responsibility, it can cause severe damage to the partnership. Responsibility needs to be distributed equally. But to address it, don't play the blame game. Also, if the change is to be long-lasting, it needs to happen gradually.

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<p>All couples are exposed to outside influences and opinions. However, your relationship comes first, and everyone else’s opinion is secondary. Therefore, show each other support.  </p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/309039?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> The lost roles: All the films Brad Pitt almost starred in</a></p>

Outside influences

All couples are exposed to outside influences and opinions. However, your relationship comes first, and everyone else’s opinion is secondary. Therefore, show each other support.  

<p>If you feel like the relationship is moving too fast or too slowly, it can make you terribly upset over seemingly little things. You might even question the relationship. You need to address it in order to understand how to find the middle ground, and meet both of your needs. </p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

Moving at different speeds

If you feel like the relationship is moving too fast or too slowly, it can make you terribly upset over seemingly little things. You might even question the relationship. You need to address it in order to understand how to find the middle ground, and meet both of your needs. 

You may also like: The lost roles: All the films Brad Pitt almost starred in

<p>Arguments are a part of every relationship. However, it can have either a helpful or destructive outcome depending on how it goes. A good fight is one where you end up agreeing on a first step to resolve the issue. Be sure to listen to each other. </p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/320905?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> This is the coldest inhabited place on Earth</a></p>

Ineffective argument

Arguments are a part of every relationship. However, it can have either a helpful or destructive outcome depending on how it goes. A good fight is one where you end up agreeing on a first step to resolve the issue. Be sure to listen to each other. 

<p>This kind of toxic behavior diminishes the other partner’s freedom, confidence, and sense of self-worth. To deal with it, speak up, set boundaries, and seek couples counseling. </p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

Controlling behavior

This kind of toxic behavior diminishes the other partner’s freedom, confidence, and sense of self-worth. To deal with it, speak up, set boundaries, and seek couples counseling. 

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<p>Traumatic life events can put stress on any relationship and affect both your emotional and physical health. When this happens, don't shut your partner out. Be there for each other, even when times are rough.</p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/331224?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> Stunning Hindu temples you need to see to believe</a></p>

Traumatic life events can put stress on any relationship and affect both your emotional and physical health. When this happens, don't shut your partner out. Be there for each other, even when times are rough.

<p>When you keep blaming and recalling mistakes, then you're keeping a scoreboard. This only leads to anger and bitterness. If you want to save the relationship, speak your mind and don't build up the issues for later. </p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

Keeping a scoreboard

When you keep blaming and recalling mistakes, then you're keeping a scoreboard. This only leads to anger and bitterness. If you want to save the relationship, speak your mind and don't build up the issues for later. 

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<p>It's common for a couple to have the same fight over and over. When it starts to escalate, it can be very problematic for the relationship. Make sure to address the root of the problem, so that you can try to make a real and lasting change in your behaviors. </p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/343987?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> Bandmates who slept together</a></p>

Same fights

It's common for a couple to have the same fight over and over. When it starts to escalate, it can be very problematic for the relationship. Make sure to address the root of the problem, so that you can try to make a real and lasting change in your behaviors. 

<p>All relationships go through periods of fun and boredom. However, when most days have a feeling of monotony, it's time to do something about it. Make a conscious decision to add spontaneity into the relationship. This will hopefully bring back the fun. </p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

All relationships go through periods of fun and boredom. However, when most days have a feeling of monotony, it's time to do something about it. Make a conscious decision to add spontaneity into the relationship. This will hopefully bring back the fun. 

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<p>When you're in a relationship, it's a top priority to nurture and develop the connection. But sometimes life gets in the way. When you notice this happening, then it's time to make a conscious effort to reprioritize each other. </p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/347366?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> Bizarre discoveries in the most unexpected places</a></p>

Life gets in the way

When you're in a relationship, it's a top priority to nurture and develop the connection. But sometimes life gets in the way. When you notice this happening, then it's time to make a conscious effort to reprioritize each other. 

<p>Poor <a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/lifestyle/460517/simple-ways-to-have-a-better-conversation" rel="noopener">communication</a> leads to misunderstandings, fights, and frustration. Good communication skill make all the difference to your relationship. Learn how to listen without judging, interrupting, or attacking when you try to get your point across. </p><p>You may also like:<a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/n/216519?utm_source=msn.com&utm_medium=display&utm_campaign=referral_description&utm_content=516287en-us"> The world's most difficult languages to learn</a></p>

Poor communication

Poor communication leads to misunderstandings, fights, and frustration. Good communication skill make all the difference to your relationship. Learn how to listen without judging, interrupting, or attacking when you try to get your point across. 

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<p>It's of the utmost importance to feel safe in a relationship. Whether it's verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, this kind of danger needs to be taken seriously and addressed immediately. If you need help, reach out to someone or call a helpline. </p><p>Sources: (<a href="https://www.talkspace.com/blog/relationship-problems/" rel="noopener">Talk Space</a>) (<a href="https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/solutions-for-8-common-relationship-issues/" rel="noopener">Marriage</a>)</p><p>See also: <a href="https://www.starsinsider.com/lifestyle/497076/how-to-survive-past-the-honeymoon-phase-of-a-relationship">How to survive past the honeymoon phase of a relationship</a></p><p><a href="https://www.msn.com/en-us/community/channel/vid-7xx8mnucu55yw63we9va2gwr7uihbxwc68fxqp25x6tg4ftibpra?cvid=94631541bc0f4f89bfd59158d696ad7e">Follow us and access great exclusive content everyday</a></p>

It's of the utmost importance to feel safe in a relationship. Whether it's verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, this kind of danger needs to be taken seriously and addressed immediately. If you need help, reach out to someone or call a helpline. 

Sources: (Talk Space) (Marriage)

See also: How to survive past the honeymoon phase of a relationship

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  1. How To Navigate Conflict in Marriage (Deepen Connection Enjoy Marriage

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  3. 10 Strategies to Help Solve Your Marriage Problems

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  6. How To Solve ANY Marriage Problem

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VIDEO

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COMMENTS

  1. 6 Common Marriage Problems and Solutions

    Finding a Solution Try having an honest conversation with your partner. What are each of your expectations when it comes to spending and saving every month? Remember, it's about reaching a compromise (within your financial means) so that both of you feel comfortable, but not restricted. Try dividing the labor.

  2. Marriage Problems? Here's an 8-Step Rescue Plan

    Key points Marriage problems should not be ignored. Steps to address problems include making a list of your disagreements and learning how to express your concerns constructively. It's also...

  3. 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions

    Research reveals that maintaining a strong emotional bond, sexual intimacy, and respecting boundaries are the three key ways to combat infidelity in your relationship. Related Reading: Three "Bs" to Avoid Infidelity In this video, relationship expert and broadcaster Lucy Beresford talk about infidelity and its effect on relationships. 2.

  4. 10 Strategies to Help Solve Your Marriage Problems

    September 17, 2021 Marriage Counseling NYC,Uncategorized Loving at Your Best BOOK NOW All relationships and marriages go through periods when they face problems. The secret to a healthy and growing relationship is your ability to overcome these problems.

  5. 12 Strategies to Cope with Common Marriage Problems

    1 Communicate about issues in your relationship. Download Article Open communication is the key to any healthy relationship. You and your partner need to talk about any struggles you're going through. [1] When you let things go or assume they'll get better on their own, they tend to fester, which can lead to resentment over time.

  6. Marriage Help: 10 Ways How to Strengthen Your Marriage

    Relationships Strengthening Relationships 10 Ways to Strengthen a Marriage and Avoid Divorce Getting help for your marriage now can make your relationship last By Wayne Parker Updated on November 18, 2023 Medically reviewed by Carly Snyder, MD Dimitri Otis/Taxi/Getty Images Table of Contents View All Commit to Your Relationship Forgive Quickly

  7. 30 Common Relationship Problems and Solutions

    To keep a relationship running smoothly, it is important to solve marriage problems before they snowball into bigger relationship problems. When do relationships start to have common relationship problems? For some, however, that phase of love eventually fades.

  8. How to Know When Your Marriage Is in Trouble

    July 9, 2021 Marriage problems vary in complexity. You can solve most marriage trouble without help from a professional counselor. However some situations indicate you should consider guidance from an expert. You can go directly to specific sections of this article using these links: Help for various marriage problems Does your marriage need help?

  9. How to Fix Communication Problems in Marriage

    1. Talking and yelling 'at' them Talking "at" someone often means you're trying to be heard. Talking "with" someone, on the other hand, means you are trying to understand each other. Yelling can...

  10. Ten Common Marriage Problems And How To Resolve Them

    In-laws Of course, in-laws aren't exactly a marriage problem, but they can impact most of the problems that are going to be discussed on this list. As a result, it's important to look at the role that other people, in general, can play in impacting your relationship.

  11. Practical Solutions To Marriage Problems: 9 Simple Steps To Solve

    Nine Practical Solutions To Marriage Problems 1. Communication is key. 2. Don't keep your feelings bottled up. If something is wrong, talk about it. 3. Try to understand your spouse's point of view, even if you don't agree with it. 4. Make time for each other. Dedicate time each day to spend with your spouse, without distractions. 5.

  12. How to Save a Struggling Relationship: 22 Ways to Reconnect

    Engage in affectionate physical contact. Kraushaar encourages partners to regularly hug each other in a fully present and connected way. Holding hands or hugging releases oxytocin which can reduce ...

  13. 5 strategies to help solve problems in your marriage

    Communicate, communicate, communicate. It's important to take time each day to talk. This gives you an opportunity to get to know each other's perspective. Create space. Don't assume that a ...

  14. 10 Tips for Solving Relationship Conflicts

    Here are 10 research-backed tips: 1. Be direct. Sometimes people don't just come out and plainly state what is bothering them, and instead choose more indirect ways of expressing their displeasure ...

  15. 10 Common Marriage Problems That Couples Face & How To Solve Them

    Letting your partner know they're appreciated, cuddling with them, giving them hugs and kisses, and incorporating touch throughout the day can all be ways to start building intimacy in your marriage. Talking to a sex therapist or couples counselor could also be helpful if you feel you can't get through to your partner on your own.

  16. 12 Most Common Marriage Problems And How To Solve Them

    1. Overstepping boundaries. Once couples are married, it's not uncommon for one spouse to try and change their partner. Whether it's their fashion sense or their fundamental beliefs, trying to...

  17. How to Solve Problems in Your Marriage

    Couples need to practice focusing on solutions. Staying flexible and brainstorming possibilities often yields great results. Focus on the solution, not the problem. Make sure that your ...

  18. 10 Strategies to Help Solve Your Marriage Problems

    1. Surround yourselves with people in healthy relationships. Some of those negative patterns may have involved friends. Surround yourself with people who value marriage and where there's widespread support for making yours work. 2. Choose to love. "Love is as much a choice as it is an emotion. " Love may have come easy when it was brand new.

  19. How to Solve Marriage Problems: The 4 Steps to Resolution

    Here's how to solve marriage problems in a calm and tactful manner. Solvable Marriage Problems. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, relationship researcher John Gottman (along with co-author Nan Silver) explains how to solve marriage problems that are solvable: Step 1: Adjust the beginning.

  20. P is for Problems

    Dr. Gottman refers to this as the "dream within conflict.". Whenever the dream or hope or aspiration for the relationship is ignored, problems arise. But when those dreams are revealed and understood and respected, it creates space for the relationship to become more meaningful than the problem. Dr. Gottman suggests becoming a "Dream ...

  21. How successful couples handle conflict : Life Kit : NPR

    In order to do that, try using the Gottman formula, developed in response to that 1999 study, for soft start-ups: Say: "I feel (emotion) about (situation/problem) and I need (a positive and ...

  22. 4 Little Ways To Solve Your Marriage Problems Better Than 98% Of

    In other words, never try to solve a problem until it has been thoroughly discussed and each partner understands why the other one thinks and feels the way they do. Since we often skip this one ...

  23. 20 Common Marriage Problems

    20 Common Marriage Problems - How to Solve Them In This Article Selfishness Pride Unforgiveness Negativity Denial Insecurity Defensiveness Unfaithfulness Secrecy Lies Sex Revenge Lack of attention Lack of investment Lack of support Lack of self-improvement Lack of empathy Lack of knowledge Silence Disrespect

  24. Solving Problems Together in the Marriage

    The way couples tackle problems reveals a lot about their relationship. Working together to constructively solve problems reduces stress and increases the strength of the marriage. Developing good problem-solving skills helps couples decide how to respond to problems together. Everyone solves problems on a daily basis,

  25. How to solve the most common relationship problems

    Intimate relationships take a lot of work, and even the strongest ones run into problems sometimes. With both of you tired from work, in-laws getting on your nerves, or the kids in trouble at ...

  26. Pandit Gajanand Shastri on Instagram: "Get real solutions to all your

    79 likes, 1 comments - astrologer_gajanand_maharaj_ji on November 4, 2023: "Get real solutions to all your life problems whether it's money, love, marriage or family. We H..." Pandit Gajanand Shastri 📿 on Instagram: "Get real solutions to all your life problems whether it's money, love, marriage or family.